Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Psalm 139

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down.;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem me in - behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is to wonderful for me, to lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I priase you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord,
and abohor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts,
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139

Monday, August 29, 2011


I'm sitting here shaking from a latte caffeine and also because I'm happy that I succeeded in passing another test.

It feels so good to win! To succeed! To prove that I can do it!

I used to be passionately against testing. I hated it. Hated it. Hated it. I greatly disliked it. And I thought that I couldn't do it.

But through a series of events, it has come about that I am getting a college degree through testing. And it's easy! I can't get over how easy it is. And this is college???
(Of course, I haven't attempted math yet. We'll see how I feel then about it being easy.)

I was thinking about this the other day. I was remembering how dumb I was when I graduated from high school eons ago, and how I was determined that I couldn't succeed with college so I wasn't even going to try. I was afraid to try.
But once I stepped out and faced my fear, it dissolved. And now I'm zooming through, and feeling confident.
There's just something about facing fears.

One of my greatest fears (in addition to testing) was the fear of communicating with people when there is a language barrier of some kind.
To face that fear, I visited and worked in a Spanish speaking country. I did not speak or understand Spanish. But while there I discovered that it is possible and even fun to communicate despite language barriers. Once again proving that fear should have no place in determining what I do or don't do.

Anyway, I was excited about passing another test and thought I'd share the joy. And the latte buzz.

Saturday, August 27, 2011


Deeply searching.
Constantly questioning.
Navigating silence.
That really isn't silence.
Answers come if you listen.
Ear trained to hear.
Heart trained to obey.
Quietly waiting.

When the poor and needy seek water,
and there is none,
and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
I will open rivers on the bare heights,
and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
and the dry land springs of water.
I will put in the wilderness of cedar,
the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
the plane and the pine together,
that they may see and know,
may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
the Holy One of Israel has created it.
Isaiah 43

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Inner Drive

I wish I could accurately describe the inner drive that keeps me going. The inner drive that propels me forward. The inner drive that won't let me back down, or turn from things that scare me. The inner drive that makes the impossible possible.
The name of the inner drive is
Jesus Christ.

Because I know Jesus Christ, and because I have allowed Him to live in my heart and soul, I have the desire to change and grow and become more like Christ every day. Once I accepted Him, I couldn't deny Him. Once I accepted Him, I couldn't not listen. I couldn't say no to what He was asking me to do.

Christ is in my heart and soul and He has to shine out. He has to use me to shine out. And I must let him. It's a glorious, sparkling, amazing mystery.

The Christ in me is the inner drive that keeps me going.
To do everything.

Like face my greatest fear. Last year I faced my greatest fear and it ended up changing my life. Forever!

Like give up my greatest dream. The Lord speaks, and I follow. I can give up my dreams because His are better.

Like keep on with steel determination in impossible situations. Christ drives me to keep going, to not give up, to keep loving the impossible people.

Like accept changes as they come. Change is so difficult to welcome. But Christ is ever present and unchanging.

Like travel to unknown places. Physically, and spiritually.

Like work with excellence on the task that is before me today.

I'm still not really satisfied that I've really described the feeling inside me that won't let me go. It doesn't force me to do things, but it asks and I can't deny because I love my Jesus. And I know that feeling is His Voice.

My Blog

Life has been a crazy rush lately.
But in between work and study, trips and appointments, I have had one or two thoughts I wanted to blog to remember later.

And so I shall blog.

But first, another little item on blogging.

I used to spend Sunday afternoons napping and resting in my room, with a big purple notebook handy. It was the day for journaling and thinking about the past week reflecting on life. It was a quiet time with me and my Lord, taking moments to be quiet and listen.

Nowadays, my blog has become that purple notebook of sorts. In the afternoons I like to write and blog. Sometimes it's reflecting the week, sometimes it's just thoughts that I've been mulling over.
But I'm not sure how I feel these days about blogging vs journaling. My journal is paper, with ink and the reality of handwriting. You can feel it, and experience it. There's something to turning the pages and hearing the crinkle.

My blog is like an open book on a screen. It feels private because it's so quiet around here. But all you have is a mouse in your hand as you scroll down the page. A typo is more irritating because it lacks the character of handwriting. And any readers that happen along would never recognize my handwriting.

So I'm mulling over my blog a bit, and whether I like the blogging vs journaling. Maybe I'll go back to my journal. Maybe I'll keep up my blog. Either way, I like having the record of thoughts and feelings hidden and unhidden. I like to go back and read through the last year and think about what has happened in my life.

Either way, I write.

And now on to more blogging.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Round Window

My brain is fuzzy. I've been studying for the daily requirement of 3 hours in the afternoon.
Dantes and Shakespeare is getting all mixed up with Mona Lisa and A Clockwork Orange. So I stared out the round window beside me at the library.

Outside it is blazing hot. I think somewhere in the neighborhood of 103 F. Grass is getting crispy, and the sky is a faint blue that looks like it's pale from the heat. The leaves of the trees are droopy, and it's shimmering with the sun beating down.

And just outside my window there's a fountain. Sparkling with water that is flung high and spraying cool, fresh water, glistening in the otherwise relentless sun.

But what caught my attention was three little children, playing in the water with abandon. Their heads are thrown back, laughing as the water hits them. And then, their mom stepped in, too. A happy little family, enjoying the cool water.

I don't know why, but I enjoyed seeing them play together.

In my quiet little corner I look down on the world through the porthole of my round window. I'd be tempted to say that's how God looks down on us, but no. He is not so limited. He sees everything, not just what is bound by the window.
He knows everything, not just what is observed through the glass.

And I am glad.

God gets the big picture, but He knows the details, too.

Reminds me of this verse:
"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." 1 Cor. 13:12

Good to remember on these days when things seem to be standing still or only dimly seen and understood.

Cool, fresh water, glistening in the Sun.