*Warning. This blogpost is not for the faint of heart.
Today I held a baby. And it was bliss.
It's been so long since I've had the chance.
Usually it's all I can do when I see a baby to keep from touching or asking to hold it. A mother doesn't usually like a stranger to take over her baby so I try to bear that in mind. When I see a baby, my fingers just itch to hold it and kiss it.
Today there was a funeral at the church I work for. A mother with a 4 month old baby needed someone to keep an eye on him and I jumped at the chance. I think I scared her. But she left her baby with me while she went to the service.
Such cute fat cheeks.
Such sweet fat hands.
Such tiny fingernails.
And then he smiled at me.
I think I fell in love with the little mister.
I dream of the day it's my baby I'm holding. I want many babies. And many toddlers. And many children. And many pre-teens. And many teenagers. And many adult children. And many many grandkids. All in good time, eh?
It just breaks my heart to think of the babies that were killed by people who have no concept of the precious life they hold in their hands. Babies not allowed to live. Babies aborted. Babies abandoned. If anything makes me mad or makes me upset or makes me hurt, it's the idea of not allowing that life to live.
Perhaps that is one reason why I simply can't bear the thought of doing anything that would cause my baby to die or fail to thrive in the womb. This is one of the few issues that I feel very passionate about.
There are a lot of strange looks and reactions when people learn my stance on this issue.
They wonder how anyone can afford a lot of children.
They wonder how anyone can do that to their body.
They wonder how anyone can live with all the responsibility of many children.
They wonder how anyone can want to give up the freedom of being alone.
I wonder how anyone can be so selfish. Lets kill the baby so we can _____ (fill in the blank).
I wonder how anyone can say to God, "I know better than You! I know how many children I can handle, how many I can provide for, how many I can bear!"
I wonder how anyone can take the responsibility of deciding which child lives and which one dies.
I wonder how anyone can say no.
I wonder if I would be haunted by the little faces I would never see. The little voices that would never speak.
I wonder what would happen if Mom and Dad decided that I was too much.
Hard thoughts for people, I know. But thoughts that I cannot ignore.
There are lots of issues to consider besides how I will look after having many children. Lots to consider besides whether I can afford a baby, a house, two cars, the latest technology and the coolest clothes, and the trappings that go along with popular culture.
Lots of issues besides whether I will get the "me" time so many consider necessary.
I held a baby today. And it reminded me again of my dreams, and of my passion.