Narcissism

I've been thinking about narcissism this week in the back of my mind. It's kind of something I've had back there for a while, but this week it bubbled up and became more of a real thought.

It's been in the back of my mind because of my hate/love relationship with Facebook. And yes, I know that's supposed to be love/hate. But I hate Facebook more than I love it. And yet, hypocrite that I am, not only do I have a Facebook profile, but I also spend way too much time there.

There's already a lot of blogs out there with tons of great reasons of why one should avoid Facebook like the plague. I'm content to let them do the talking on that subject. To be honest, the only reason I'm still there is because it seems to be the best way to be invited to social events. Other than that, I'm back on the hate part of the relationship.

One of the things I've thought about this week about social media is just how narcissistic is really is. It's a great place to put a soundbite of my thoughts. A great place to let everyone know what I like, and a great place to post things in order to feel like my "friends" like me by clicking the appropriate button.

Very moving and deeply committed relationships are to be had on Facebook as I post pictures of myself and like others' comments.

I just keep feeling like it's so vain and narcissistic. Every time I post a picture I feel a little guilty because guess who the star is?

Yup. Yours truly.

And then when I post a status, guess who it's about?

Mmmhmm. You got it. None other than the center of this universe.

And what about those people who post pictures daily? They seem to have cool, exciting lives as they post pictures of where they are or what they're eating or the spiffy outfits they're wearing today. But in the great scheme of things, why do we do it?

The great scheme of things...the great big picture of this life...and I am taking those moments to post about my Easter picture in a place where the hubbub grows louder and louder, and few really care about my clothing choices for Resurrection Sunday celebration.

It makes me feel so disgusted with myself.

My idea is that the great scheme of things is the furthering of the kingdom of God. The mission of sharing the story of Christ with others, of sharing the Love of Christ with others. It's hard for me to reconcile posting pictures of myself on Facebook with that. I'm sure there are some extenuating circumstances somewhere for it, but really, how very silly it is.

I'm writing this for myself alone, as being chief among sinners. Because that photo up there, the reason this whole conversation with myself began this week is posted- guess where? On Facebook.

Narcissism and being me-focused is so easy to slip into. I want to break free of it, and to become the person who, when others speak of me or see me, won't think about me at all, but about Christ. I want to be the background to a better story, the servant washing the feet of others, the one that shines the light brighter. I want others to be blind to me, but mesmerized by Christ.

As time goes on, it begins to dawn upon me that maybe social media is something that should take less and less of my time. Instead of posting about how exciting my life is or how bored I am as the case may be, maybe I should be out living it, and socializing in person.

Computer screens are the real life of today, I'm told. A pat answer to describe today's culture, but it's a lonely way to live. You cannot make eye contact. You can't hear voice inflection, you can't reach over and give the person a hug. Computer screens are not a replacement for real life relationships. Computer screen relationships make it easy to avoid the nit and grit of life. And I'm thinking it probably has helped increase the number of depression medication prescriptions and attempted and successful suicides.

Here we are. Me in a quiet room alone typing into a little flat box, and you staring at a screen to read my thoughts. You do not hear me talking about it. You do not know the background of what I say, except what I take time to add here. The give and take of exchange of thoughts is missing. Here, I give, you take. Here, it's all about me, with no room for you.

It's lonely.

Narcissism is all about me. It's being obsessed with me, self being the most important of all. Narcissism is others not being as important except to make me look good and feel good. It's an i-culture all right. It's all about me.

The narcissism I see in myself is beginning to bother me more and more. I'm thinking of some things I can do to work on this, steps to take to switch the spotlight off of me and on something more important, more life-changing.

That I might grow in humility.

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

With deep humbleness and remorse,

Katie