40 Days of Lent: Journal Entry #3

See.

"What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You'll call out for help and I'll say, "Here I am!"

-Isaiah 58: 7-9

See.
I began mulling over what kind of photo to take to express that word and verse.
I thought of glasses to aid in seeing...
I thought of a keyhole to see through...
I thought of finding poverty to photograph.

So off I went to look for something to photograph to express seeing the needs around me. That's when I discovered how clean and tidy my town is. You don't see homelessness or poverty around like you'd think. There aren't many places to find the hungry or the shivering out on the street.
They are hidden.

Or maybe they are tidied up and covered up.

Maybe, its good that there isn't any visible poverty showing.
Maybe its very sad.

Maybe the sad part is the look of affluence, the excess around. The nice, tidy homes. Maybe it could be people who hide their poverty, or maybe its just people hiding from poverty.

How do I hide from poverty?

Thoughts on Seeing today. Seeing the poor, the shivering, the broken, the hungry.


Later:

After writing the above, I started thinking about poverty in my area. I asked on Facebook where I might find it here...and then I took a long drive alone.
I explored my town with new eyes, ventured into places and neighborhoods I didn't know existed, and found places where poverty slapped me in the face. Nothing hidden, covered up here. It was exposed, and shouting.
It was such an interesting experience. Nothing I saw was any worse than anything I encountered every day in Bolivia, yet there I wandered around quite fearlessly on foot, and in my car here, I began to feel fear as I drove through places where I obviously did not fit in. It gave me quite a pause, and I considered it while I drove slowly through neighborhoods watching little children play, watching people walk up and down the street, seeing houses in such sad shape yet with people living there anyway. In my hometown.
Why was I feeling that fear? Why was I glancing away, and why did I naturally turn toward the nicer streets first? I forced myself to turn against it, to face it, to look long at these places. To trace the dirt and grime, to meet the eyes of the people I saw, to smile at them. To see.
I was fearful of the depression and poverty. I was afraid of what might lurk, of things I have no real experience with. The shadows were long and attempting to grab me, and I was too willing to run away.

An interesting lesson to myself. Its easy to write about poverty on a nice laptop in a comfortable chair maybe while munching on delicious food. Its so easy to be self-righteous and hypocritical. But then when the rubber meets the road, and I come face to face with reality, what then? What about this world, this other side of things, ugly and uncomfortable? What do I know of it, and what am I doing about it?

I never took my photo today. I saw new things, I have many new mental snapshots within my own zip code, but I never snapped that button on my camera. I was busy seeing. The photo was not made, but it was a changed perspective and new way of looking at my own town, my own neighborhood, looking for those hidden places, or rather, the poverty I hide from.

40 Days of Lent: Journal Entry #1

Who am I?
The word prompt for this photo.

A question I am struggling with and thinking about a lot these days. Who am I? There are so many people eager to define for me who I am, who have opinions or thoughts on who I should be, or how I might look, or what I might be made of. Its confusing and I strive to find myself in all the babble.

Who am I? As I contemplated this phrase and how to picture it, I began to think of where I am these days, the brokenness I am facing and feeling every moment. I feel all edges and smashed in sharp pieces. I am the broken pottery. I am the pieces of something...

I chose these pieces of pottery because they are pieces I dug up two years ago in Israel at first century level. I remember the careful digging, centimeter by centimeter or even less, by brushes or tiny tools. Even these pieces, these broken bits were carefully handled, carefully brushed out of the dirt and carefully lifted away from the dust where it had lain for centuries.

This pottery is dated to the period of time that Jesus lived in that region. The imagination can take off, inviting all sorts of speculation of what sort of vessel it was part of, and what it held. And whether it was used by Jesus. And yet here these same pieces lay in my hand so many thousands of years later.

Broken pieces. Scattered shards.

They are broken now. But that does not mean they can not be repaired.

Each piece we dug up on that archaeology site was carefully numbered, drawn and eventually glued back into place, back together with other pieces until it formed the original vessel again. What was broken was made whole again.

Who am I? Broken pottery. Broken and waiting to be repaired again.

Do I Want Jesus?

"I want you Jesus."
I stared at the words I had just written, black ink on cream colored paper, the script lovely there. I stared and prayed, and searched my heart and wondered.
Do I really want Jesus? Do I want that gift of sacrifice in my heart? Do I want that joy? Do I want that peace? Do I want that difficult journey, that hard life of following Him? Do I want that freedom, that love always present? Do I? And do I have the commitment to keep on following during the dark days, when I can't see one step ahead? Do I trust that He will lead me? I have faith His way is good? What is His way? Of following principles of living righteously before God and man, of showing love to others, of giving ourselves selflessly to His will and service. Yes, and I committed to die for Him. I thought I could hold to my faith enough to die for it.
Is a form of dying for your faith dying to wants in favor of principle?
Jesus, the sacrifice of love. Jesus, the one who brings wholeness and wellness and fills our hearts and minds. Jesus, who died, so I might live.
Every day Christ comes. We accept salvation at a pivotal moment perhaps, and it becomes "the" moment in our minds when we became saved, when we became Christian. Mine is June 26th. But faith is an every day affair. Somehow, you are required each day to continue to live with faith and trust. Every day you must accept the salvation. Christ comes every day to save you and me.
This moment, this day, I accept the salvation of Christ. I receive the love of Christ in my heart, and remember my baptism that signified a change in me, signified a cleansed heart. Today I renew a life lived for Christ, a life lived following Jesus.
And I am grateful for this joy, this gift. The salvation of my soul from Hell. The salvation of my soul from the darkness that pervades us, surrounding us.
The gift of God for the people of God. Thanks be to God.


Father of grace, You’ve sacrificed
Your only Son for us, the crucified Jesus
Enlarge our hearts to love Your Son
O grant to us the grace to walk with Him always
To make Him our great delight 
Bringing worship with our lives 

Chorus
Only Jesus! Only Jesus! 
Give us Jesus, we cry
Only Jesus! Only Jesus!
The Pearl of greatest price

Verse 2
Spirit of grace, You’ve shed Your light
Upon our darkened eyes, unveiling Jesus Christ
Come change our hearts, conform our ways
To honor Jesus’ Name, His glory our refrain
Let His love compel our own 
As we worship at His throne

Bridge
Jesus, our great Savior,
Lord of heaven, Son of God 

Disgusting Materialism

The past month or so I have been struck by materialism. And as the holiday season begins, it really causes me to notice it more and more. The materialism is just sickening to me.

I used to be just like the next one, and had lists of things I wanted for Christmas, or went shopping and wanted the things I saw. I was never brand loyal or interested in the latest technology or newest versions of things, but there was always something else I needed to be happy or live better.

Perhaps its because I spent the summer in an area of the world where they live with a much lower standard of living. Seeing people live joyously on so little puts things into perspective. Watching someone take crusts and leftovers off people's plates in a restaurant suddenly makes you want to clean your plate at home. Meeting little children who are hungry suddenly makes black Friday shopping seem much less...necessary.

Why do we do this? What does all the stuff even mean? Does it really make you happy to know that you have the latest $600 phone? Is it really a necessity? Does it really make you feel better about yourself to buy loads of new, shiny things? Things are meaningless. Things will go out of style, get broken or look less shiny. Things have a way of fading away, and then you can't remember what you even owned or had.

It all just makes me so disappointed to see people spending so much money and time on what lasts for moments or is quickly forgotten. We have things so backwards, and no one seems to realize, but rush on to the next item, or stand in line at the next sale to get the item that will make them happier or look better. And no one knows why, it seems. The money we spend on things for ourselves or our children...a fraction of that is someone else's daily living. And what are we spending it on?

The materialism is a problem when it grows so out of proportion with everything else, that it overshadows what is really important. How do you put into perspective what is necessary vs. what is superfluous?

I keep thinking of the line, "you can't take it with you." and I wonder, what happens to all the time spent on these things, when we die? What about all the money we've wasted? How is that accounted for when we're dead? What good did we do Steve Jobs by buying the newest version of the same product over and over again? What good did we do ourselves? And in the end, what did it all matter, really.

And then I think of the millions of people who just barely survive, much less worry about whether they have the things we deem necessary in our culture. Cable tv and internet on our cellphones. Some don't even have heated houses, or sufficient clothing. Not to mention decent food or water.

I'm generally feeling disgusted by it all, and especially this Christmas season. In the rush of buying, the flurry of making lists for Santa, I just want to sit back and say, so what? Where's it getting us, who is it helping, and who are we harming with all this STUFF. Stuff that will burn away and can disappear in moments. And leave us with....what becomes the essentials. Things like relationships, like character, like intangibles that will never be burned away or stolen. And this season to remember and celebrate Jesus' beginnings...I'm not sure the Jesus I know would be thrilled by what its turned into. Worshipful gratefulness for the gift of salvation, for what He ultimately came to do...by buying?

I find materialism disgusting. Things don't impress me. Let me see your passion, your life, your inner self. Those things will always be there, no matter what. I don't want to live with all this stuff. I don't want to be defined by it, I don't want my money wasted on it. I know we need certain things to live, but all those extras...what if we went without and gave the money to someone else?

I grew up during an extremely hard time in our family. We had many nice, new things, but compared to everyone else around us, we had nothing. I remember Christmas' with a new toy. A present from my parents. And it did a world of good for me. I never regret growing up with less than my friends. It gave me so much to be grateful for. It gave me so much awareness of what is really necessary to happiness. And it wasn't heaps of things.

Oh Jesus! Help us see that Your love is the ultimate important, necessary thing! Help us to put into perspective the things that attract us so, help us to use the gifts you have given us to show your love to others instead of selfishly thinking of ourselves. Forgive us for losing ourselves in things. With all my heart, I pray. Amen.
 

Reflecting

I'm feeling kind of quiet and reflective. I've had a lot going on the past few weeks, and its all coming to a point soon. I've been mulling over some things and looking back and rethinking. Its draining and exhilarating at the same time. One of those moments when the next breath might change your course, never to return and make a new decision.
In the midst I keep trudging on with every day tasks and thoughts, and take out these others during repose or moments of respite.

I've been thinking of re-reading my blog and journals. Every year, near the start of the new year I like to look behind at where I've come from in order to gain some perspective of where I might be going. The path behind is often indicative of things that are patterns or directions that might be missed if we never reviewed them. Its time for this review, time to take stock and see where I am and who I am.

Somehow, the girl who started out this year feels so different than the one ending it. I'm almost afraid to look at who she was, and cringe a little at what I might see. I hope its a better version of Katie at the end of the year than at the beginning. I hope its a deeper and more mature Katie, one showing growth and change in a positive way.

There have been so many adventures, so many dark places, and yet a lot of light, too. I feel like I climbed a mountain, took in the view, and now...what's next? Coming off the mountain top experience can be sort of like getting the breath knocked out of you. But it is a view everyone should experience and remember vividly. Its a vision, really, of where we should be aiming to live. A big picture viewpoint.

So as this year winds down, I begin to reflect and revisit places in the path, ebenezers and markers, to see where I've been, and catch a glimpse of where I'm going.

Most of all I want to follow Jesus. Where ever that might lead.

A Journey of Faith

Faith. Like a mustard seed, so tiny it is lost in the palm of your hand. And yet this is the chosen symbol from Jesus' mountain sermon. The people gathered there looked around them on that rocky hill and understood, for all around them were the mustard plants. It was imagery that was fresh, that used pieces of their reality. It was imagery that symbolized that a small insignificant seed could produce a tree, a miracle to be reckoned with. A symbol of the kingdom of God.

A journey of faith can be just as doubtful as looking at that mustard seed. It can be impossible at times to look at that seed and really believe it will produce anything worthwhile. That anything will come of it.

I am in that doubting moment. I doubt that the seed of the calling God has spoken in me will really come to anything. I doubt that water will come and sun will come and nutrients will come to bring that seed to fruition. I doubt that money will come to pay for what it requires to follow Jesus. I doubt that ministry will open up, that strength to follow through will be found. I doubt that these God-given dreams which I cannot escape will become reality to be reckoned with.

But I was reminded today of the journey so far. Remembering where I've been, where I came from, the innocent and unsuspecting beginnings. The beginnings that gave no hint of what was going to happen next.

My whole life has been woven and spun with graces and mercies. With strengths and unasked for provisions to accomplish what I did not suspect I would even ever do or become. Throughout, it has been intertwined with the golden sparkles of God's love and gifts.

And yet I sit here doubting.

If I have been called to something, if a ministry or mission has been given to me, if I am made for greater things, how could I think that I was then expected to achieve it on my own? Foolish thought! But a very real and even disquieting one.

Faith, looking into the spiritual dimension to see what God says about a matter, and then doing it.
Faith, believing that somehow, someway, God will move and the impossible will be possible.
Faith, hanging on and refusing to give up, refusing to accept the second rate offering.

Faith is stepping out, even with no idea of where that step will take us. Faith is not being discouraged when the rain feels late, when the knots are big, when the way is long.

Faith is a journey, I am learning. A journey towards living in peace and quietness, fearlessly trusting that God, who sends you, will also arrange for the message to be delivered. That God, who is weaving the story, who is controlling the threads, knows the pattern. That God knows when the rain and when the sun is needed.

Hebrews 11:1-3 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. 

Accepting The Gift

Sunday I attended a large church service to celebrate and welcome a new bishop in our conference of United Methodist churches. It was a beautiful service, full of meaning and symbols, full of worshipful beauty. The pentacle of the service came towards the end, when we were celebrating holy communion together. All I remember is the beautiful music, of voice and organ. It was music that lifted higher as it went on, voices raised upward toward the One they were worshiping. They worshiped with excellence and thoughtfulness.

The music lead us toward the front, and we walked quietly, taking it slowly and holding our hands in readiness to receive the gift of Christ's body and blood. I remember the line of people ahead of me, each eager to be there, looking for a place, and all with hands held out, palms open to receive what God has offered. There is a beauty in that symbolism, if anyone takes a moment to recognize it. Christ was a gift to us, a gift beyond comprehension. And we can receive that gift, as if we deserved it. We offer our hands, out stretched and palms upward to accept the gift offered, to feel the bread given, a symbol of Christ's body. To accept the bread and dip it in the cup that represents Christ's blood.

I saw it all in a flash, a moment in time as I stood in line to receive my gift. My gift of redemption, my gift of freedom from the sin that causes me such heartache. My gift of a relationship with Christ. My gift of experiencing the kingdom of God here and now. My gift of grace.

And everyone, together, received this gift.We did not pluck it from the hands of the giver. We did not grasp it and take it from His hands by force.

We waited until it was placed there. We waited until it was given. Just as there were thousands of years between the promise to Abraham, and the fulfillment of Jesus, we waited, time suspended until the gift was given, and we accepted it and it entered us and Christ entered us, and we tasted the ground wheat and the crushed grapes.

That was the pentacle of the service Sunday. That we accepted the gift given to us. The gift of Christ is accepted every time we accept communion. We experience the grace of Christ's love and power every time we accept communion.

Beautiful.

Let us accept the gift always.

Putting In Notice

Where do I go to resign from my life?
Oh. I don't get to do that.

STRESS is the main focus of my life right now. And I am too honest to say that the main focus is Jesus or God or my relationship with the Lord. Nope folks, it would be saintly to say so, and saintly to act so, but I will just face the facts of things and admit in a very humble way that actually, all I am thinking about is things that make me feel stressed and when I am not thinking about that, I am thinking of how stressed I am. To recap: I want to resign.
Oh. I don't get to do that.

Lets see, first off is TW. TW is a great big and looming event known to all others as THE WEDDING. No, its not my wedding. At least I'd have a honeymoon to look forward to if it was. But nonetheless TW up until this week was causing a deal of dismay and stress due to an attempt to plan and execute a beautiful, memorable, simple and very inexpensive occasion. Weddings in the newest form of the word are rarely simple or inexpensive. I have a secret plan to elope when it is my turn to marry.

Next is school. I have been working on school for a year. A YEAR. I wanted to graduate at the year and three months mark with a bachelors degree in communications. I then proceeded to take six months off for something known as LIFE and now I am somewhat disappointed that I won't actually graduate until six months later than intended. Oh well. I wouldn't trade the time off doing things I love. Needless to say, I want to finish quickly so I can go back to doing what I love. But this thing called LIFE keeps taking up my time and making it hard to study! Its really putting a crimp in my style, ya'll. Such a drag to read about microeconomics when I could be helping someone manage their life better with a microeconomical loan someplace like, say, Bolivia. But there has to be first things first, and unfortunately, life experience is not the only credential one must have to succeed.

Then there is work. I work at a lovely place and am paid a reasonable amount to do so. I have a million and one things that should have been done yesterday, and a million and one details to remember for tomorrow. But even with a reasonable amount paid to do so, the ole purse is nearly flat, it is so empty. Working through school is a brilliant idea, and I hate debt, but it sure makes life a little difficult to balance when deciding between math and an essential like paying a bill. And cars have an insatiable appetite for gas. It probably doesn't help that I have an insatiable appetite for traveling.

And then there's quite a list of things I should do, or want to do, but require money or time to do, both of which are becoming more and more difficult to find or part with.

And we haven't broached several subjects not worthy for blog consumption but which cause stress in one form or another.

Makes you want to scream, doesn't it? Why doesn't this Katie girl just get a handle on things and calm down and put it into perspective? I'll whisper a secret to you...

Writing this is a step toward calming down and putting it into perspective. Nothing like seeing in black and white your minute and insignificant stresses to help you think of how small the hill you're climbing really is. Mountains they seem on gray rainy days, or when tossing and turning at night. But write them all down and then remember people and places where these things are definitely "first world pains" and suddenly, they all look like anthills.


O Lord, Grant your Spirit to calm and remind of things more worthy of thought and time than these small things. Inspire gratefulness of the bounty and blessings, and give strength to endure the seemingly impossible moments. For the grace of your Only Son Jesus Christ, Amen

Sent

I just returned from annual conference. Came in the door, set down my suitcase, ate a bite, and grabbed my laptop.
I have to process what I heard, and writing is one way I do that.


All weekend the focus has been on sending out those to accomplish the mission of making disciples. It was reflected in the messages of what churches are doing, in the ordination service as they prepared those entering ministry, and in messages by leaders. Bishop Willimon's sermon was titled, "Sent" and he described an errand he was sent on as a young boy, an errand that an adult should have been sent to handle. In conversations around me, I heard a repeated comment about being called into ministry, and knowing that you're called being the only thing that keeps you going during the tough grind of everyday ministry. When the hard days come, you can grit your teeth and keep going because you know you're called to this job, to this task. 


Of course, I immediately think of the errand I am called to accomplish. While a little fuzzy on how it should exactly look, it is to gain a greater understanding of mission, of discipleship, of following Christ and helping others find Christ, too. It is an errand I am ill-equipped to handle, and errand that will cause me to depend on God's strength to accomplish.


I don't know exactly how it will look or where it will lead to. But this weekend, I heard that I am sent, and that in the midst of that, God has called and is sending. 

Unworthy Servants

Luke 17: 7-10
"Will any one of you who has a servant plowing or keeping sheep say to him when he has come in from the field, 'Come at once and recline at table'? Will he not rather say to him, 'Prepare supper for me, and dress properly, and serve me while I eat and drink, and afterward you will eat and drink'? Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded? So you also when you have done all that you were commanded, say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.'"

I read this verse this week and was struck by it. I don't recall reading it before, but it really made me think of the myriad of things I do, expecting to be thanked. Things that are really just in the line of duty. Things that God just expects of me.

Loving my neighbor, serving others, training my heart toward peacefulness and upright godliness are expected things as the servant of God. And yet, these things are sometimes what I'm looking to be thanked for, or looking for pats on the back for accomplishing. In reality, they are things expected of a follower of Christ. In reality, they are part of the character, part of the role of a servant of God.

Sometimes, I think when I do something for God, I expect Him to be smiling and pleased with me, when I should be just thinking about it as being in the line of duty. At work, my boss does not thank me for accomplishing certain tasks. Sometimes those tasks are tedious or difficult to accomplish, but it is expected I do them, and do them well. I do not get extra thanks for them. It's my job to make sure the tasks are finished.

Doing hard things in my life, holding myself to a high standard, and keeping my heart loving and open to God's leading is what is expected of a Christ follower. I should not expect anything from these things, other than knowing that this is how it's supposed to work, how it's supposed to be in the kingdom of God. After all, I am God's unworthy servant, undeserving of anything. His love is what has redeemed me, His forgiveness has made me whole.

Something I've been mulling over this week.

Grateful For Self-Control

I was thinking last night and this morning about how important and absolutely imperative it is to have self-control.

You know, when you control your own motions, body, language, thoughts, and feelings.

I'll be the first to say that I'm not the best at that, especially when it comes to the feelings, but I recognize the importance of self-control and strive for it every day. It seems like every day I'm thinking about something or feeling an emotion that should be controlled and re-directed.
And it is with deep deep gratitude that I'm thankful these days for the self-control that I have exercised. The self-control muscles came in handy during moments of weakness and I am so grateful that I have them! What an absolute mess I'd be in right now if I always acted on what I wanted to do or feel or think. Every whim, or strong desire would have been satisfied in the moment, but my life would have been so complicated. My natural instincts are not always the wisest or best choices. I've found that I tend toward easy things, and selfish things, and sinfulness.

Learning self-control doesn't come overnight. And it's not a process that is easy. It requires work and determination. And a knowledge of what is right and good, so you know how to direct the control. And it calls for constant practice and constant awareness. And it calls for constant calling out to Jesus for grace in those moments when its hardest to control yourself.

Just a few thoughts for a Tuesday morning.

On Being Single

Hi. I’m Katie, and I have a dream world. It includes a husband to cook for, to help, and make happy. A family with a new name for me, and a life with my man, together serving the Lord as we fulfill His calling on our life. A man and his woman, in a dreamy little house, having dreamy little children. Working together, living together, and laughing and dancing in the living room, and sitting down to our own table. A fire in the fireplace on cozy nights at home, grand adventures as we travel with little ones in tow. This is my dream for the adventure of life.

This is what I think about. That picture, of a smiling, happy little family all my own, with pink haze around the edge framing the faces still blurry.

Blurry because it is not real- yet. It’s a dream. A perfect little dream world.

This who Katie really is: a single girl, working part time and going to school full time. An occasional weekend away with friends, coffee shop runs when I feel like it. A girl with time to travel the world and see new places, time to dabble in hobbies, and focus on ministries I’m passionate about. The world is open and before me and I can do anything and go anywhere. This is today. This is Katie. This is Katie’s rich and full and vibrant life- today.

Today is all I really know. I remember yesterdays, and imagine tomorrows, but today is reality. Today is what I can count on, and the life of today is what I must focus on. I can’t spend my time and energy in my dream world, living on pink clouds of what-ifs. Today is sitting at a desk and typing up attendance reports. Today is spending cozy evenings at home studying for a degree. Today is noticing the real people I really know and being present and active in their lives. Faces sharp and clear around me, not blurry from the unknown of dreams. Today is the real deal.

I’m working right now on becoming balanced and healthy in how I view where I am in life versus what I wish I was doing in life. I can’t say I’m there yet, but I am re-training my heart and mind to be content with today, with living right where I am. And living happily and creatively and vividly there. Not just slogging through, wishing and waiting to begin to live the day a golden band is slipped on my finger.

Its easy to think of those pink what-ifs, and to think that today is worthless because it doesn't include those dreams and ideas. But I'm finding this is false thinking. Where I am, my quiet life, is an adventure of life worth living. I have so many good things from God right here, right now. So many people to know and love, so much He would have me do. It's wrong of me to become unhappy because it doesn't match my fantasy dream world.

I am not giving up that dream of husband and family. Of picking up toys and socks, washing endless dishes, making soup in the crock-pot and the adventure of the grocery store being the highlight of the week. I'm not giving it up, but I'm putting a frame of "one day" around it, and standing back to put it into the perspective of today's bigger picture. The picture of where I really am, and the joys and happinesses I have right now, right here.

"I am still determined to be cheerful and to be happy in whatever situation I may be, for I have also learnt from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions and not upon our circumstances"- Martha Washington

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." - Apostle Paul, Philippians 4:11

Not Perfect

Today the subject of perfection came up.
And I was reminded that God does not need perfection from us in order to use us. He doesn't even need perfection to accept us.
The beauty of it is, God takes us where we are, and uses us despite the imperfections.
He even can use our imperfections to bring more glory that we would imagine when facing our brokenness.
A truth that is a mystery and a comfort and a beautiful thing.


I can never be perfect.
I can never attain perfection.
I can only strive for it and remind myself of God's acceptance that I am exactly the person He can use this moment.

Thanks be to God.

Open Wide The Door

Opening one's heart to what God wants can be such a hard thing to do.
It's scary to let go of the known and venture into the great unknown.
Who knows what might happen?

But then I consider that God is the one who made me. I think He can handle my future.

I often think I have the best idea of what that future should look like. And on top of that, I think it should be happening now, not later. So I keep a firm grasp on the door of my heart and what I have in mind and what I want and nothing will make me change my mind.
Until God whispers in my ear. I hear Him saying "trust me!" and a finger loosens its hold on the door of my heart.

I want something more than anything else on earth. I want it so much that I think about it all the time. The thought is there when I go to sleep, and when I wake. During the day it pops up continually.  That something is the desire to follow Jesus and His plan. Oh I want it so much! I want to make Him pleased that I am walking His path on this journey of life. But my troublesome wishes sometimes cloud the thought, drowning out the whispers.
Sometimes I just want to shout, saying, "Jesus! Take me!" and run as fast as I can toward what He wants.

But the door of my heart is stuck, sometimes. Locked for fear of hurt or disappointment, afraid of what might be beyond. And why? God has only proven Himself to be good, kind, and faithful. Not asking too much or more than I can do.

The door has to be flung open, welcoming God in.

Oh God, open the doors of my heart. Unlock the fears and help me to give my heart into Your hands. Take me and my life and use it as You wish. Show me Your path and let me walk in Your ways. Through Jesus Christ my Lord, Amen.

Words Upon Words

Words words words.

Talking, writing words. Words in black and white. Words written in space between two people. Words in sounds. Words with double meanings, words that are meaningless.

It's all words.

Words trying to convey a meaning, share a thought, a feeling and a way of thinking.

I fill up so much time with words. Talking. Writing. Reading.

But what is real is the words I am living. Do I live the words I say? Do I live the words I write? Do I live the words I read?

It's easy to sit and write and pontificate on a subject and explain and expound on it.
But its not always as easy to actually live it.

The words of my life speak volumes more than the words of my tongue or pen.

Good thoughts to remember when I sit down to expound.

Good thoughts to remember while living my life.

~

I have a growing fascination with words. A growing fascination with how they work, and the way they sound on a page. Rippling along, I notice a word that catches my eye and my fancy and it rolls on my tongue and tickles my ear and makes my heart happy to see it. A combination of words that is like eye candy and brings images to mind that lead to new thoughts and down new pathways of thinking. A word that catches my imagination and sends me off on a thought adventure as my eye passes over and to the next word.
A cloud of words, puffy and white in the blue sky that lead to higher planes and better ideas. A garden of words that blow in the wind, the sun shining down. A wave catching the light and sparkling sending a shower of beauty and hope in the form of communication via words.

Words on a page. Words on a life.

What am I communicating? Who am I communicating?

What words am I writing?

Small Thought, Continued

Dear Sarah,

You asked, "How does self control equal loving others?"
I have a couple thoughts on that.

First, what is self control? It's just being able to control yourself and your own actions and thoughts. You decide how you react, how you use your muscles (like your tongue) and what you're going to allow yourself to think, see, hear, or absorb. That's controlling yourself.

How does self control equal loving others?
I'm not loving my brother if I can't control my hateful tongue.
I'm not loving my sister if I allow myself to hurt her physically.
I am not loving my neighbor if I don't control my actions.
I am not loving the people around me if I insist on my way.

Self control is a hard discipline for me. I am learning slowly how to apply it to many areas of my life, but it takes constant work and vigilance.

One area that I especially get to practice self control is in the area of food. Because I have many allergies which cause serious issues, I have to constantly be self controlled with what I allow myself to eat. I'd dearly love to eat a big bowl of ice cream, but the consequences of that action will punish me. So when faced with that tempting bowl of ice cream, I have to think about how it will affect me later and how it will affect the people around me later. It's not just going to cause me problems. My problems will cause others problems, as well. It's a ripple effect.

The same is true in our relationships with others every day. My interactions may be fun and innocent or exciting at the moment, but they affect many people besides the two of us. It's hard sometimes to realize just how many people are affected by certain relationships. The consequences ripple out and sometimes are far reaching if I am not self controlled. And if there are problems, they won't be just my problems, they'll be problems for those around me as well.

Specifically when I began mulling over how self control was an exercise in self denial and loving others I was thinking about it in the realm of guys and girls and their interactions. 

Because I love my family, I am going to be self controlled in my relationships. 

Because I love the guy, I am going to be self controlled in my actions toward him. 

Because I love my future husband, I am going to be self controlled in how I allow myself to think and feel now. 

Because I love the guy's future wife, I am going to be self controlled in how I interact with him now. Perhaps the future wife is me, perhaps not. 

There is a ripple effect going on.

When I like a guy, I want very much to be near him, to talk to him, and all the things that go with being in a relationship. It feels good! It's fun! 

But it doesn't help him if I am not self controlled.

And I know it doesn't help me if he is not self controlled. It just makes it harder for me to control my feelings and actions.

Between girls and guys, true love is waiting for the things you want. True love is not giving way to how you feel at the moment and what you want during those feelings. 

True love is knowing it is best for the other person if your own wishes are controlled.

If I really love him, I am willing to deny myself what I want for his sake. I am willing to wait for the things I want. I am willing to go without what feels good for his sake.

True love is thinking about the consequences of what I want and how it will affect those around me.

Self control is thinking about the consequences of what I want and how it will affect those around me.

And that's why I think self control equals loving others.

Katie

Culturally Relevant

My sister Anna and I hung out at the mall yesterday.
And had coffee.
And also a late night conversation thanks to the coffee. But it was a good conversation and I thought I'd blog part of it.

We were discussing the culture. While shopping, we were looking at music. I noticed that all the covers to the pop CDs were so hopeless. They were dark, they were weird, they were forms of art that had no meaning or form or rule. To the artists, life was not guided by a standard of hope. It seemed scary and dark and depressing. Go check out the music in a store near you...and think about the subtle messages being sent as well as the overt ones. I was shocked.

For a while I've been a little back and forth about culture. I've been caught in the middle between two worlds. Growing up, I was the person who didn't know any band names, celebrity names, pop music, and I didn't know what was trendy or fashionable. And I didn't care. It really didn't bother me to not dress in the height of fashion. I don't think I was ever terribly strange with how I lived or looked. I just didn't spend time worrying about culture. It wasn't important to me.

Now I am much more aware of the culture. It bombards me. And I've really been thinking lately about the subliminal messages that are constantly being sent and stored in my mind and heart. Messages sent through images, through tv, through music, through advertisements. And all this culture has a way of creeping in.

For instance, there's this one particular musical artist. Apparently he's a Christian. But his music is not Christian. They're very catchy, very witty songs that he sings. They're full of fun words and images. But when I listen to them, I notice how depressing the messages are. And it clouds up my world slowly, as I am allowing this to enter my mind and heart. I'm just thinking about how this artist is cool, and how popular he is. And how this song is interesting because of the lyrics. And the sound is pretty cool, too. But slowly the messages build up, clouding my view.

When I was talking with Anna, we were discussing how we are called as Christians to share the light of Christ. We have Christ in us. He is shining in us and through us to light up the room and spread to those around us. Like fire. Christ is on a higher level. Christ should be the most important thing to us. And we were discussing how the message of the culture is like a cloud. And we allow this culture unthinkingly to change us as the messages hit us. We're mindlessly going along, doing our thing, and the culture is growing in us. It's growing in importance to us and influencing us to make choices and decisions about how we live our life. And if we don't stop and evaluate sometimes, the light will be clouded.

We spend a lot of time on the culture. We spend a lot of time learning about the newest thing, or keeping up with what everyone one else is listening to or watching or looking at. And we build the foundation of our life on it sometimes. But the things that are taking up our time are like wood, hay and stubble. And the things of Christ are like gold, silver, and precious stones.

The culture itself may not be bad or evil. The problem is when we let it change us unintentionally, and grow into an importance to us that keeps us from Christ as we allow it to define us and shape us and make decisions in ways that we are unaware.

And I don't think Christ needs the culture. I think I can be the hands and feet of Jesus without being in the know of who's on tv, or whos who in artists.

There's a balance between allowing the culture to shape us and define us, and knowing about the culture we live in as we are ambassadors for Christ. I don't think we should be burying our heads in the sand and avoiding the culture at all costs. But I also think we should be very intentional and cognizant of what we're allowing to enter our minds and what we're allowing to change us. There are so many messages being sent to our hearts every day in our culture. Messages about how we're supposed to look, how we're supposed to act, how we're supposed to live. Messages constantly being sent about how we're supposed to think and what we're supposed to believe. It's overwhelming.

But the message we should be focused on is the message of Christ. Of the hope found in Him. Of the forgiveness and love. And the life we can find in Him. This is the message that should be changing us. This is the message that should be guiding us.
Culturally relevant, all over the world.


Romans 12:2
1 John 2:15
John 3:17
John 17

Civil Religion In The Church?

It happens every year. Come May 31st, July 4th or November 11th, and suddenly on the closest Sunday we have a strange sight confronting us as we reverently prepare to worship- the state?
As I study sociology, a new name emerges for a phenomenon I have long noticed and wondered at: the practice of bringing civil religion into our churches on state or national holidays.
Our church is suddenly full of fervor for the nation as the flag is brought forward, songs sung about America and even the alter decorated with red, white and blue flowers to further bring the civic religion to mind as we replace our weekly Christian resurrection celebrations with a sentimental and worshipful service for our nation.

According to my textbook, a civil religion is a quasi-religious loyalty binding individuals in a secular state. Citizen's loyalties are to the state rather than to a specific religion.

Then I checked the infamous Wikipedia to see what others have to say about civil religion.
And I quote:

 This assertive civil religion of the United States is an occasional cause of political friction between the U.S. and its allies in Europe, where (the literally religious form of) civil religion is less extreme. In the United States, civil religion is often invoked under the name of "Judeo-Christian tradition", a phrase originally intended to be maximally inclusive of the several monotheisms practiced in the United States, assuming that these faiths all worship the same God and share the same values. This assumption tends to dilute the essence of both Judaism and Christianity; recognition of this fact, and the increasing religious diversity of the United States, make this phrase less heard now than it once was, though it is far from extinct. Some scholars have argued that the American flag can be seen as a main totem of a national cult. Arguing against mob violence and lynching, Abraham Lincoln declared in his 1838 Lyceum speech that the Constitution and the laws of the United States ought to become the ‘political religion’ of each American.

From the encyclopedia of Religion and Society:

The concept refers to a "transcendent universal religion of the nation".

When I read that I confess that I immediately thought back to all the years of saluting the flag in church, to singing the national anthem and other patriotic songs, to taking time to memorialize those who had served our country, to generally waving our national flag and taking pride in America. All things that are well and good....but the thing that causes question is the fact that all this takes the place of our regular worship toward God. And now is being termed a separate religious activity.

I recall one patriotic holiday in particular. We were visiting a small church out in a remote area. This particular holiday they had set up a separate "altar" almost, complete with pictures, medals, flags, and other American memorabilia and symbols. Instead of singing hymns, all the patriotic songs were sung. When it was time for the message, the Scripture was skimmed over and plenty of time spent discussing America and how wonderful the nation is. Somehow, I did not feel like I had come in contact with the Most High God. The time spent at church was not spent thinking about our Christian walk or our relationship with Christ. And this was disturbing.

I've heard the stories of people in other countries who are hiding in order to have church. Bibles are confiscated, and lives endangered just by gathering together. I do not think they are wasting time being patriotic or indulging in civil religion. They found something so important that they are risking their lives to continue to worship God. There are no red, white and blue carnations here.

Yet many Americans are outraged if we choose to worship in the usual manner on patriotic holidays, or relegate it all to a small mention at the beginning of service. Their family members were not mentioned, their flowers not noticed, their favorite song not sung. America was not held up as the shining epitome of freedom and happiness.

And I am left wondering if all this is really pleasing, or really worthwhile. I choose to think Christ is the epitome of freedom and happiness.

And then the thought crosses my mind, "What would Jesus think of all this?"

Then Jesus said to them, “Give back to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s.” Mark 12:16-18

Jesus came to earth to reunite us with God. He was sacrificed for our sins when he stretched his arms on the hard wood of the cross. His was the ultimate symbol of love, of freedom, of yes, even happiness. Not for just Americans. We take away from this sacrifice and the Holiness of Christ when we push Him out of the way to the strains of God Bless America and when civil religion replaces our Christianity.

Only this: Be vigilant in keeping the Commandment and The Revelation that Moses the servant of God laid on you: Love God, your God, walk in all his ways, do what he's commanded, embrace him, serve him with everything you are and have." Joshua 22:5

Third Week In Advent: Waiting Between the Times

Sunday the third candle in the Advent wreath was lit. This candle represents John the Baptist. The man wearing camel hair clothing in the desert, eating locust and honey, and preparing the way of the Lord. He was a modern day prophet to the Israelites. His calling was similar to Samuel, Isaiah, Jeremiah. With one big difference. His calling was to prepare the way for the Savior...who was coming right after!

In many ways [John] represents waiting...He proclaims Jesus' coming, points people to Jesus, waits eagerly for him, yet stands permanently on the outside. His role appears to be simply one of herald, announcing Jesus, point beyond himself, looking forward but never arriving. He stood, waiting, between the old and the new, because that was what God called him to do and, perhaps, in that waiting he found meaning.

This year I found greater meaning than ever in hearing this story. I think it's because I was able to picture the surroundings. The areas where John lived and ate locust and honey. I know what camel hair feels like. I've felt the heat of the day...in the middle of a dry desert.

(photo was taken at Qumron, Israel)

 In some ways John is the epitome of Advent: a figure in whom the past and the future meet in an explosive message for the present: John may be called to waiting, but his waiting can hardly be called passive; John's is an abrasive, disruptive, unsettling waiting- a waiting that is about as active as it is possible to be.

While we are called to wait, we're called to wait actively.  Sitting around twiddling our thumbs does not count as active waiting. Sometimes, it can be hard to picture what active waiting might look like in certain situations. But we're to be ever moving forward, ever active in this adventure of following God. Even during the waiting times.

Part of the adventure of following God is discovering where God will lead us next. Knowing that God has called us tells us nothing about what God has called us to do. Even those who are more or less comfortably established in doing something to which they have been called by God cannot be certain that tomorrow, next month, or next year this calling will remain the same. The people who heard about John's birth knew that God was calling him and pondered where that calling might lead. 

Our following God truly is a journey or adventure. When I think of journey, I think of the active part. The walking, running, climbing, sliding, moving. It's fluid, and the surroundings are constantly changing. Our calling changes, we move, we change, new things come up. Old things end. There were never any promises that things would be easy on this journey. We go through times when we wonder exactly where God is and what he's up to, and how is this place and this time any help or any significance anyway. Think of John in jail. He sends his disciples to find out if Jesus is really the one they're waiting for. Don't you think he may have wondered what good his being in jail was in fulfilling his calling?

....We need to recognize that John the Baptist's calling is, in fact, our own calling just as he is called to point beyond himself, to deflect attention ever onward to the one who is the Light of the World so we are called to do the same. John's ministry sets up a chain of which we are now a part. He pointed to the truth so that "all might believe through him", once believing they, like the woman at the well, should pass on the message to others so that many might come to believe and pass it on themselves. 

John the Baptists stands as an example to us of one who is prepared, in all humility, to recognize that he is not he center but the periphery; not the attraction but the signpost to the attraction; no the Light but the one who helps others see the Light. Jesus' calling to us all is that we pick up the baton of John and become witnesses to the one who brings salvation to the world. This is only a part, but an important part, of the reorientation that we were reflecting on in the previous passage. John the Baptist's message of repentance involves a huge reorientation in which the center of our believing becomes no longer ourselves but one who is much, much, greater. 

The waiting we do at Advent reminds us of the importance of taking up John's baton of witness and passing it on, and of reorientating ourselves outward from the center of our lives so there is room enough for Jesus in the core of our being.

This begs the question, who are we passing the message on to? And what message does our life send to those who are waiting to see it?

Waiting For The Day Of The Lord

The second candle of advent was lit today in recognition of the prophets.
The prophets heralded the coming of Christ, the day of the Lord.
This week we're focusing on waiting for the day of the Lord.

"The second candle on the Advent wreath is associated with the prophets and, in particular, their prophecies of the "one who is to come." With this candle, therefore, we are waiting for the future and all that it might hold."

The day of the Lord...it can bring different pictures to mind. Isaiah for instance was talking about the day of the Lord meaning deliverance for Judah from the Assyrians. But he was also referring to the day of the Lord meaning Jesus being sent for our redemption. Today, when one references the day of the Lord, we automatically think of the end of times, and the second coming. Either way, all three are instances of God's people waiting for the day of the Lord. The day of our redemption and deliverance.

This second candle brings more light to darkness, more hope to our waiting. The hope is growing stronger with the light that our waiting will not be in vain. We are waiting for someone to fulfill the prophecies of a peaceful world in which a lion will lie down with a lamb, where a virgin will have a son and call Him Immanuel, a son who will establish a kingdom and uphold justice with righteousness forevermore.

Of course everyone has their own private idea of a savior. Maybe someone on a white horse with shining armor, ready to combat the dragons at the gate. Maybe a warrior with arrows at the ready to conquer the enemies pouring down upon them. Someone who changes the darkness of fear and oppression to the light of gladness, peace, and happiness. The Israelites were expecting a savior who would free them from the oppression of their enemies, who would bring peace to their land once again. Their idea of a savior looked more like the fierce warrior on the white horse.

"As is so often the case, Jesus fulfills these ancient prophecies in a surprising way, and it is through weaving light into the shade of our present world that he evokes wonder by the wisdom of his counsel; shows the power of God in the world's cares eternally just like a parent; and is the source of all well-being for God's people. Jesus lived as wonderful counsellor, mighty God, everlasting father, and prince of peace in the midst of our broken, despairing world, shining in the darkness and bringing hope. 

It is this light shining in the darkness for which we wait, and the season of Advent calls us to readjust our eyes in that darkness so that we can see glimmers of the Light of the World, glowing and pointing us forward to that ultimate time in the future when everything will be fulfilled...."

And so we wait. Quietly, in the darkness, staring at the shine and glow of two candles. One reminding us silently of how we are called to wait. The second, that we are waiting for the day of the Lord.

Waiting is not just sitting around, slightly bored, passively waiting for the next thing.

" The Hebrew word that is often translated wait (as in Genesis 49:18, "I wait for your salvation, O Lord") has the additional meaning of "look eagerly" or "lie in wait for" that brings with it that concept of being a "lookout" whose sole task is to gaze into the distance, waiting for a particular person to come, and then, when they do come, to be able to distinguish them from the others who come the same way....Waiting for the future involves a recognition of what the world might be and the resolve to bring our own part of it one step closer....Waiting becomes active: waiting for the future involves transforming the present."

Active waiting, then is the proper outlook for Advent. We're actively waiting for the day of the Lord when we reach out to others and bring the light closer to shining throughout the world.

So on this second Sunday in Advent, think of the prophets who were actively waiting for the Savior of the World...for the light to chase away the darkness. And actively wait for the day of the Lord.


All exerpts taken from the book by Paula Gooder, The Meaning Is In The Waiting