The Silence

The silence here has grown deep and dark. Normally I post at least once or twice a week. But suddenly, its been nearly a month since I have written anything to share.

I have been living a crazy existence. The past few weeks have had barely room to breathe, and no room for reflection or thoughtfulness or writing. I've been holding on barely to the schedule, always needing to move on to the next thing. There has been studying, and preparing for and hosting company, joining others for parties and spending time with friends. And there has been work and enumerable things to accomplish, remember, do, and think about. There have been a thousand hidden gifts, some noticed, and none captured with my camera.

Its been overwhelming, when you count all the things also going on within me. But things have kept on coming, kept on happening, and finally I've reached the end of my rope.

I have to have a break. I am going to break if I don't. I have to have some quiet that settles into the cracks and crevices like dust settling in an old house. I have to have some silence that grows thick and warm, that lets my soul find its music again. Its been drowned out, and I miss the steadiness of rhythm that I used to know.
I have to rest.

I don't even remember the last time I rested. Really rested, without guilt about things not being finished or accomplished, rest without a call on my time. Rest without an agenda for my thoughts. Rest without having to make any decisions.

I don't know if it can really happen. I need it and want it, but its difficult to actually get it. Somehow I have the idea I have to slog through somehow, finding strength to keep going. Other people have needs, and I am supposed to meet them, too. Only I don't have the resources or energy to do that and they are left disappointed and hurt.

Its a cycle that is crazy and must end.

The silence may continue a little longer. But when it ends, I hope it ends with energy renewed and new thoughts and ideas flowing from a rhythm that is beautiful again.

I am renewing my relationship with Jesus, and repenting from pushing Him aside for the everyday important unimportances. If I am silent or away, it is in a desert, alone, facing Him again. Finding the rivers of peace that somehow have become a trickle.

If anything, I hope this confession and musing will inspire someone else to guard the time it takes for wholeness, the necessity of prioritizing spiritual things, and the value of rest even during a time that should be spent on moving forward with tasks. I have a never ending schedule, and many things to accomplish.
But only after I am rested enough to do so well.

Silence shall reign in my heart for a time. Christ shall dwell there gently and peacefully again.

Come, Lord Jesus. Come.

Today's Hidden Gift

Check out my post over on A Thousand Hidden Gifts. The photo today was snapped after a sudden stop, a U turn, and a quick dig through my bag for my camera.

"I love the rainbow in the sky, the promise that it implies of hope and forever life. I love how the orange bleeds into the pink, which turns slowly to purple and the designs of the tree against it all creating a lacy framework. I love how it represents so many different things, diverse, yet together creating a beauty that stops traffic, that causes you to sit and stare for a bit, marveling at the glory of it. I love the splendid evidence of God's enjoyment of color and vividness."

How can I even describe how I feel or what I think, when focusing the camera on such a beautiful painting? It inspires me to worship, it inspires me to awe as I wonder about the One who creates it every day.

A moment from my aventura today.

Moon

Look at this gorgeous moon tonight. I just snapped this picture, so I can hold it forever.
Go outside and see it yourself, not glowing from a computer screen, but from an unseen brightness...go look at this gift from God, this beauty, just because. This is what fills me with worship tonight. It fills me with awe and wonder and amazement. La luna. So beautiful. A gift from God to us. I am grateful.

A Step By Step Guide To Directing A Wedding

Steps to directing a wedding.

1. A week before, create detailed schedule of events and include info on who, what, and where. 
2. Begin packing and making lists of everything to take with you to the wedding site.
3. Rise early and attack the shopping for all the wedding food on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.  Stop for coffee with Mom.
4. Prepare and organize the last details of various decor projects and pack car.
5. Stop and have Thanksgiving dinner with family!
6. Rise early on Friday and go to three different places to cut greenery for decorating the church. Bag, and somehow fit everything into the car, with space remaining for three people. Be sure the Ipod has some battery life!
7. Pack a lunch, or grab all the Thanksgiving leftovers.
8. Drive two hours to the wedding site, jamming out to various musical selections by your 16 year old sister. Including headbanging at a stoplight. Never going to see those folks again, anyway.
9. Arrive the wedding site, collect the key, and eat lunch. 
10. Move tables and arrange seating and serving areas in the reception hall. Do some massive cleaning.
11. Iron tablecloths on a makeshift ironing board. Listening to the Beatles helps. 
12. Sort out table decorations and start putting together what goes where. Meanwhile, more folks arrive and start decorating cupcakes and cutting veggies and working on food. Party time!
13. Get sisters started on decorating the sanctuary. Delegation and letting go is a beautiful thing.
14. Direct traffic for where things are going and what needs to be done. Find various bits and pieces needed, and an extension cord for the kitchen.
15. Keep an eye on the time so everyone will have a break to rest before rehearsal.
16. Finish all tablescapes and check bathrooms.
17. Call a break for everyone and begin dressing for rehearsal. Remember that you forgot to bring shoes. 
18. Go over ceremony seating with the ushers. Work with Dad on directing the flow.
19. Shut things down and help lock up so everyone can go to dinner. 
20. Play musical chairs at dinner as you try to talk to everyone there. Discover you feel a cold coming on.
21. Back to the church with a couple of sweet helpers to finish cleaning up and put finishing touches on things. No stopping till its all done, but with help it doesn't take long!
22. Back to the hotel, only to find that an important document was left at the church. Back to the church to search for that, only to find it was in my suitcase all along, in my car. Back to the hotel, where I went to bed.
23. Wake early and roll over and go back to sleep.
24. Wake again, and give letters to the bride that everyone wrote to her as a wedding day surprise.
25. Begin dressing.
26. Go get breakfast for my sister and grab some for me, too.
27. Begin the hair and nail operation for the bride. Turned out great!
28. Pack up the luggage to check out of the hotel, and head to the church.
29. Arrive at the church and double check lots of odds and ends, take a few pictures with my camera.
30. Help bride dress and prepare for photography time.
31. Corral all the appropriate people in the sanctuary for photos. With two big families, that can be quite the feat!
32. Eat a quick lunch.
33. Start keeping an eye on the time as people start coming. Freshen up hair and makeup for the bride.
34. Reassure kid brother usher that he knows what to do and where people go.
35. (More pictures)
36. Cue the grandparents to be seated.
37. Cue the music and candle lighting.
38. Cue the mothers to be seated.
39. Cue the groom to enter.
40. Sit and be thankful for a kind soul who thoughtfully put kleenex on my pew.
41. And they're married! Let the party begin!
42. Greet everyone at the reception and circulate, answering questions and making people feel welcome. Meanwhile, eat a cupcake.
43. Gather grandparents in the sanctuary for more photos.
44. Laugh and talk with people you haven't seen in way too long.
45. Coordinate the bouquet toss! Hooray!
46. Direct folks outside for the bride and grooms exit. Everyone has bubbles to blow, and with three hip hip hoorays, the bride and groom prepare to leave.
47. Watch as dozens of balloons are emptied from the truck and then popped by eager children. 
48. Announce for everyone to take cupcakes home with them!
49. Eat a cupcake.
50. Say goodbyes.
51. Begin directing clean up. Everything back in place, ready for Sunday. 
52. Make sure key is turned back in.
53. Drive my brother to the hotel to pick up his wife and daughter. 
54. Go to dinner.
55. Drive home.
56. Unpack cars and van.
57. Collapse into bed. 

A Bit of Fancy

This is a little more fanciful and whimsical than I usually go, but somehow I like the looks of this little mushroom with the tiny white accordion pleating under its little red skirt. And perhaps a small little toad comes and sits underneath, using it for a sun shade. Just something I took joy in, with a quick snap of the lens.

Another Smile

I just love the colors of this flower. I was walking along and quickly snapped a photo...and it just fascinates me, the shading and coloring and hues. I haven't changed a thing about this picture. It is straight from the camera.

I didn't realize how much I notice flowers until I started posting the pictures on my blog. :)

Unplugged

The value of silence is often overlooked these days. It's such a busy world. Time for silence and quiet in which to just be and think becomes rarer and rarer. The world keeps turning, and the rush never ends.
I don't mean just the absence of sound around me when I speak of silence. I mean a place of minimized distraction, where thought can occur and echo around in heart and mind. Where there is not another place to be, another person to reply to, another task to accomplish. The silence of a world at a slower pace.
I have been craving the silence of a world at a slower pace. My life has been jam packed. I've loved every minute of it, but it's not a state of being I wish to remain in forever.

I want to unplug.

So this summer that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to text, facebook, or tweet. I'm going to take time to sit and enjoy the silence.
Perhaps the silence will allow me to write, to read, to focus on the people in the same room with me, instead of the ones on the screen.

I'm sure it'll be a bit of a culture shock to go from constant on-the-go-electronic-connection to a life of no replies, re-tweets, or text messages. But I'm curious about how it's going to turn out. Will I miss it? Will I find something better? Will being unplugged make it too hard to be in relationship with others?
It's an experiment I am anxious to try.

I hope the silence will lead me toward Christ, toward hearing the whisper of His voice in my heart. I hope it leads me toward a more thoughtful existence, toward deeper relationships instead of shallow ones that never move beyond a "like" now and then. I hope the silence will grow new thoughts and new ideas and greater creativity.

So if I'm a little quieter in the coming weeks, know that I'm just being silent, soaking in the world around me, and taking time to notice and think about things I can see and hear and touch, rather than a screen of virtual life.  I want the real deal, and I'm taking a bold step to see if it still exists.

Unplugged.

The Teacher Was Homeschooled (And Other Ironies Of My Life)

Irony 1. The teacher was homeschooled. And has no idea what a 'classroom' is supposed to look like.

Not only do I not know what it's 'supposed' to look like, but I also have no idea how it works. You know what it feels like so far? Like juggling 5 siblings and all their activities. Except, these siblings are all the same age. Maybe being the oldest of 9 will come in handy, after all. (Don't make me use my teacher voice!)

Irony 2. The teacher knocks over the kid in the playground on the first day. Great.

Parent: "Do you like your new teacher?"

Kid: "She knocked me down on the playground!"

Parent: "What kind of teacher is this?! "

(It was actually an isolated incident which was caused by a child walking behind a teacher who was swinging. The teacher was unable to stop the child or the momentum in time. I was that unfortunate teacher. There were no serious injuries in the making of this irony. Maybe I should give up swinging.)

Irony 3. The new PE teacher has never been to a PE class in her life.

She can't shoot baskets, she can't do push ups, and she doesn't remember the rules to 'freeze tag'. But somehow, these things will probably not hinder her as she guides 40 kids through PE classes. Oh no. Not at all.

~

Somehow, I think I'm going to absolutely love this job. After the first day, I still have things to do with them for the remainder of the week, and lots of ideas for our studies and activities. I'm surprised there's not the irony of using up a weeks worth of classes in one day. But grateful for that not happening. Ask me tomorrow if it really didn't happen. Ha!

Today I got more of a feel of how long it takes to do things with 5 year olds. (Basically, forever.) And I got more of a feel of where they are in their abilities. (Basically, my level.)

Looking forward to more teacher adventures tomorrow! But I think I will attempt to avoid knocking over kids on the playground.

Mile Markers and Changes

This is my last week with my regular routine. Next week begins a new season in my life, a new direction taken, and who knows what might happen next.

My life moves so quickly. I'm often left gasping for breath as each new development arises. And smiling because it's fascinating to follow Jesus, and along the pathway there are many adventures!

I'm beginning an adventure next week, and I'm very excited about it. It will push me out of my comfort zone just a little, be a bit of a challenge, and will also satisfy a pleasure that has been waiting for another chance to come to light.

But more on that another time.

I was just thinking about following Jesus, and this path of life. This road called Vida. A road that leads ever onward and upward, and each step means something new is on the horizon!

What a journey I've been on as I trace it through the last 3 or 4 years. I've been talking about part of that journey with some co-workers. It's a journey that went from "I'd never do that! If I was called to that, I'd know it!" to "I think I'm called to do this." I've changed so much since 4 years ago, it's astounding. I don't think I'd know myself if I'd had a peek into the future way back then. And I'd be shocked at some of the things I'd see myself doing now.

It's pretty neat to stop for a moment, and take stock of where the road has been. Look back over my shoulder and take note of the mile markers and envision again the person that met them. Then to look around right now and see who the person is at the present mile marker.

It's pretty neat to stop for a moment and really see how God works. Sometimes, it's all in a second and you know, you know the change has taken place. Sometimes, it's over a long period of time and you suddenly look up and realize how long it's been, or where you are. It was gradual, but it was happening.

Some of these changes on the pathway of my life have been on the fast, sudden variety. But most of them are natural, and fall into place.

I just love it when that happens. When it naturally slips in with a nice "click" making things easy and simple.

"For I know the thoughts that I have for you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to bring you to an expected end." A frequently quoted scripture, and one that is proven over and over.

May your adventure of life lead on peacefully as you encounter each new mile marker.

Randomness

This photo is just so cool. I really love how the color in the braid shows up.

No spiritual lessons to draw from it. Just enjoying a photo that makes me smile. :)

Remembering

I was cruising through some facebook pictures and came across an album I published while in Israel and this picture was among them.

It reminds me of a Sunday morning, a breeze blowing, no shoes, and this rocky shore. I had my Bible and my journal, and I was staring out at the sea, listening to the water splash and soaking in the land of the Bible. The land Jesus walked. It lay before me, the names and places like a live map, bringing the black and white words to life. The breeze blew the ship across the sea, and the pigs ran down the hill near me as Jesus healed the man who lived "among the dead" in the crypts above where I sat. The stones were hard and rough under my feet as I thought about the ones that would not allow the seed to grow in the parable, told just over there to the right. The knoll where Jesus sat to tell stories, overlooking the sea and boats and people coming and going.

And I could hear the shouts and smell the fish as the fishermen washed their nets, just there, where the seven fresh water streams emptied into the Sea of Galilee, the Kinneret. Nets that were later stretched to the limit by an unbelievable amount of fish, caught at an unbelievable time of the day in an unbelievable place.

Sitting there, I let it all wash over me, let it soak in, deep in my heart and mind. I saw it all as I sat there, that Sunday morning. Saw it, and will never forget it. The Jesus I know lived and breathed here. Lived and breathed, touched lives, healed hearts, and worked miracles.

And the lapping of the water against the stones, the sun coming up behind me, the breeze blowing gently was all there, making it as real as the Bible stories in front of me.

Unforgettable.

Ripple Effects

I ran across this video on Facebook this evening and just had to share. It's a great picture of how our Christian life really effects our community, and not just the people we know or meet every day. A fruitful Christian life is like a stone tossed into a pond...the effects ripple out far beyond the stone itself. What about you? Are you creating a ripple effect with your life?

Writing

I sit down to write and stare at a blank screen, the white almost blinding as pictures of thoughts dance across it faintly, tantalizing and daring me to catch them and frame them forever in black and white. Words itch to break free from my fingertips, to splash across the screen and join the others in the celebration of communication. And yet, they are silent, waiting impatiently for my bidding to begin.
But I am still.
And nothing comes and nothing comes and nothing comes.
The click of the keys begin at last and fingers hesitantly and cautiously begin to type, only to stop and erase and begin again. Begin again and again and again.
Ideas come and go, too quickly to catch, impressions that are too shallow and too faint to bring to life. Ideas to be communicated and shared, emotions and feelings to express are dancing around in my brain, heels and toes tapping faster and faster, but not matching the slow touch of my fingers on the keyboard.
Slowly, slowly, slowly.
Words build on top of each other, building deeper and deeper, building understanding and comprehension. They mount up, building word cities, the black characters forming traces on a page, lines like a city skyline, stretching on and on and on.
Words and phrases, satisfying and delightful, rolling off the tongue, rolling from my mind, rolling along to reach another's eyes and soul.
The rate of my fingers picks up and the typing forms a staccato like the steady beat of a drum, calling attention to a subject and topic, calling attention to sit up! and notice. They take on a life of their own and unbid, they strike and form words, striking and hitting and ceaselessly moving until ideas are captured and held tight in place, a period like a nail on the end of the sentence.
Fingers that fly and fly and fly.
Fingers that take to the air and catching imagination they're away on the wing, away to form ideas and thoughts I never knew I had until it stares at me from the page, from the screen, from the mirror of my heart.
And sitting back, I stare in that mirror, a glimpse of my heart, and look to see what it means. Look to see what it says, look to see what is there.
Then, exhausted, my fingers tumble over each other, finally coming to rest. The tumult ended, the words are found and put into place.
And silence reigns again.

Musings

Its almost time for that yearly slow down and take inventory muse. I generally do it every year around New Years, a sort of step back and see what happened the last year, and kind of gauge where I might be headed in the new year. I like to take some time to think about what I might need to work on or lesson to learn.

I keep a prayer journal. It helps me to stay focused when I pray, and because writing helps me think and organize my thoughts, it helps me to notice what sorts of prayers I'm busy with. And it shows me how selfish I am. Too much, I tend toward selfish prayers.
So every year I like to take a walk through my journal and mark the dates prayers were answered, and really see in black and white how the Lord is working in my life. It's all there, plain as day, in the curly cues of black handwriting against creamy white paper. Seeing it in writing, seeing it unfold beneath my hand really brings it to life, and really shows me how God is leading my aventura de la vida.

Just now, I was thinking about the path of life. It's so fascinating to me to picture it that way. I began this blog with that theme, and lately have been thinking of changing my blog but the adventure of life and the path and journey still seem so relevant to me that I'm keeping it. And I keep bumping into verses in the Bible about the way or path of following God. This evening I was reading Psalm 139.

Psalm 139
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem me in-behind and before; you laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. 
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. 
When I awake, I am still with you.
If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. 
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. 

A beautiful psalm which spoke to my heart. May the offensive ways in me be shown to light, that I might be led in the way everlasting.

Win!

I'm sitting here shaking from a latte caffeine and also because I'm happy that I succeeded in passing another test.

It feels so good to win! To succeed! To prove that I can do it!

I used to be passionately against testing. I hated it. Hated it. Hated it. I greatly disliked it. And I thought that I couldn't do it.

But through a series of events, it has come about that I am getting a college degree through testing. And it's easy! I can't get over how easy it is. And this is college???
(Of course, I haven't attempted math yet. We'll see how I feel then about it being easy.)

I was thinking about this the other day. I was remembering how dumb I was when I graduated from high school eons ago, and how I was determined that I couldn't succeed with college so I wasn't even going to try. I was afraid to try.
But once I stepped out and faced my fear, it dissolved. And now I'm zooming through, and feeling confident.
There's just something about facing fears.

One of my greatest fears (in addition to testing) was the fear of communicating with people when there is a language barrier of some kind.
To face that fear, I visited and worked in a Spanish speaking country. I did not speak or understand Spanish. But while there I discovered that it is possible and even fun to communicate despite language barriers. Once again proving that fear should have no place in determining what I do or don't do.

Anyway, I was excited about passing another test and thought I'd share the joy. And the latte buzz.

Walking Down Memory Lane

Today I happened to use a term from a Sesame Street song that my sister and friend didn't recognize. So I went over to Youtube and found it for them. And then I liked it so much, I decided to post it here for future reference. :)

And this one in particular:

It Really Is A Wonderful Life

I was thinking today that it really is a wonderful life.
I don't deserve it. God's grace and love has been abundant.

I was thinking particularly about all the dreams I've had that came true.
And all the things I never dreamed that came true, too.

Things like places I wanted to visit, things I wanted to do.
And things like good friends who encourage, and unexpected small things that make me happy.

My family is a huge part of the wonderful life. Especially my Dad and Mom.

So many unexpected happinesses. And you know, it's really small things that often show me that God is there and that He loves me.

Flowers from a giggling little girl.
A pen that flows just right from my boss.
Noticing the yellow flowers against the drab background of winter.
A bird nest in a tree.
Sun shining.
Rain on the roof of my car.
Hugs and kisses from a little brother.
The coolness of a special drink on a hot day.

It's all good.

Thinking of all these good things, and all the lovely things makes me realize how overwhelmingly wonderful this life is. And it makes me remember that I must share this love with others.

I've run into so many people who have things so much worse than I. I'm so incredibly well off compared to so many people. And it makes me want to reach out my two little hands to help them, and it makes my heart ache for them. Some how, some way I've got to show Christ's love to them, some how some way show them a bit of heaven.

Because then it will truly be

A really wonderful life.

The Release

I'm fascinated by this photo.
I love how the seed is hanging on, but just about ready to fly away...into it's own adventure, to begin it's life as  it's own dandelion.

It can be a difficult thing, to begin a journey of life. An aventura de la vida. There are fears to be faced, steps to be taken, rocks to navigate, and then hopefully, finally, the smooth and pleasant places.

Just as the seed is ready to release, a breeze comes and sweeps it away. It dances on the breeze until it finally rests someplace, and sets about to do what dandelions do.

Which is bloom where it's planted, and then spread seeds so more dandelions can come forth.

In this journey of life, this pathway, there is only one sure thing.
That God is in control, that God is speaking into my life, that God will send the breeze to send me whither He wishes. And that He will give the strength and the opportunities to do what Christians do. Which is bloom where they're planted and then spread the gospel so more Christians can come forth.

The reason for this aventura de la vida.

In Wonder At His Majesty

I was going through some photos from Israel this evening and re-discovered these two...I don't know how I let them hide for so long! Brings back many good memories.
The bottom one was a sunrise early early one work day. That was one great thing about working, we were there before the sun and had a view of it rising over the Golan heights and sea of Galilee. So beautiful.

The top one reminds me of a certain quiet Sunday morning on a rooftop with a Bible and the geography of the text right in front of me. It was priceless and unforgettable.

If you ever get the chance to go to Israel you should DO IT. Israel was not on the top of my list, but wow has it really impacted how I read and view the Bible.

Beauty