Paso A Paso

It's quiet. The silence wraps around me, friendly and warm.
I wonder how many days of silence it will take before I grow cold to it again?
It takes silence for contemplation to come.

Here I am again, after a whirlwind. After a needed break.
Here I am again, and a whole new adventure has begun. A new life has opened up suddenly, and at moments I am nearly breathless from it, at moments I am in awe. God has moved powerfully, and directed my steps anew. Prayers, deep ones, have been answered.

In January, in the midst of desperation, of heartbreak, of soul searching, I wrote down eight goals to work towards. Eight changes for positive steps, eight things that needed work. Eight goals.
Then life happened. I worked, I studied, I wrestled. For two dark months, I was in depression, I was facing darkness, and I felt like my life was going nowhere fast.

But prayers were being lifted, on my behalf. Many people were praying.

And I kept working, kept taking steps. Baby steps, one at at time. Paso a paso.

And God began to work, changing my heart. God began to give me strength, began to show me the beams of sunshine just beginning to show on the horizon.

I counted gifts, found the sunshine, and slowly it began to filter that God was there in the darkness, that He was there in the night, and that He had given light instead of darkness, and day instead of night. Slowly I felt His love again, slowly I believed His goodness again.

God is so good. All the time.

Finally, in April, I remembered that list of eight goals. I pulled them out again and looked at them and was astonished that all of them were either accomplished, or had a solid plan in place to accomplish them.

Step by step they had been met, step by step things had changed, and step by step my heart is being made whole again. Gods grace has been visibly evident. God's love has been showered down. And God's provision has been made manifest.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above ye, heavenly hosts
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

A Prayer For The Valley

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think that I am following your will
does not mean that I actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always,
though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me ot face my perils alone.

Lenten Journey

I'm preparing for Lent, which starts on Wednesday, and getting a little excited.

I'm not gonna lie. I haven't really been thinking about it or excited about it or even very interested in observing Lent this year. Things have just been so hard, so exhausting, so much, that the prospect of another trial, self-inflicted, was too much to ask it seemed. In previous years, I've fasted something that was important to me, or something that I felt helped me keep control instead of allowing God to have control. You know, those tiny little things like holding onto things that would help me get what I wanted or was called to do because God must not be able to handle it...

This year is different. This year requires a different set of priorities. A different set of lessons and a different focus.

This year, following a set of readings and word prompts, I am going on a photo journey. Every day has a different word to express through photography. A word pulled from a Scripture reading. My plan is to read the Scripture, journal about it, and take a photo to express what I'm thinking about it. The challenging part is that its hard to stay consistent with something like this every day.

I'm planning to share these photos over on my photo blog, A Thousand Hidden Gifts. I may share some of the journal as well here.

I'm getting excited about something new to focus on. And as always, I am going to enjoy worshiping through photography. I love to use the camera's focus to bring something into perspective, some beauty to the surface that otherwise might never be noticed.

Lent is not a time traditionally recognized for beauty. But there is beauty in pain, shadows, and darkness. And it is valuable to spend time there sometimes, to soak it in and let it change us, soften us, and rely on the Light of Christ in those shadows.

Peace and Reflection

The following quotes are from two different devotionals given to me the last week. I've begun reading them daily, and found both meaningful and pertinent for today.

From Jesus Calling by Sarah Young:

"My peace is the treasure of treasures: the pearl of great price. It is an exquisitely costly gift, both for the Giver and the receiver. I purchased this Peace for you with My blood. You receive this gift by trusting Me in the midst of life's storms. If you have the world's peace-everything going your way-you don't seek My unfathomable Peace. Thank Me when things do not go your way, because spiritual blessings come wrapped in trials. Adverse circumstances are normal in a fallen world. Expect them each day. Rejoice in the face of hardship, for I have overcome the world. Matthew 13:46, James 1:2, John 16:33"

And from My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers:

Transformed By Insight

"2 Corinthians 3:18 We all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image.

The outstanding characteristic of a Christian is this unveiled frankness before God so that the life becomes a mirror for other lives. By being filled with the Spirit we are transformed, and by beholding we become mirrors. You always know when a man has been beholding the glory of the Lord; you feel in your inner spirit that he is the mirror of the Lord's own character. Beware of anything which would sully that mirror in you; it is nearly always a good thing, the good that is not the best.  The golden rule for your life and mine is this concentrated keeping of the life open towards God. Let everything else-work, clothes, food, everything on earth-go by the board, saving that one thing. The rush of other things always tends to obscure this concentration on God. We have to maintain ourselves in the place of beholding, keeping the life absolutely spiritual all through. Let other things come and go as they may, let other people criticize as they will, but never allow anything to obscure the life that is hid with Christ in God. Never be hurried out of the relationship of abiding in Him. It is the one thing that is apt to fluctuate but it ought not to. The severest discipline of a Christian's life is to learn how to keep "beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord." "

The first one about peace is significant because I have been seeking peace in my heart and life. And I am discovering that perhaps peace is through trusting, and trusting is through faith, and faith is by living what you know to be true.
The second one is how that peace from God is shown to others. The light in us is a mirror of God in our heart. How we keep that mirror clear so God can be seen by others is by opening our heart toward God and not towards all the other things around us like the food, clothes or other things. The other things cause our mirror to be fogged up. I want others to look at me and behold in the glass the glory of the Lord, to see the peace and love in me.
Part of this journey.

Do I Want Jesus?

"I want you Jesus."
I stared at the words I had just written, black ink on cream colored paper, the script lovely there. I stared and prayed, and searched my heart and wondered.
Do I really want Jesus? Do I want that gift of sacrifice in my heart? Do I want that joy? Do I want that peace? Do I want that difficult journey, that hard life of following Him? Do I want that freedom, that love always present? Do I? And do I have the commitment to keep on following during the dark days, when I can't see one step ahead? Do I trust that He will lead me? I have faith His way is good? What is His way? Of following principles of living righteously before God and man, of showing love to others, of giving ourselves selflessly to His will and service. Yes, and I committed to die for Him. I thought I could hold to my faith enough to die for it.
Is a form of dying for your faith dying to wants in favor of principle?
Jesus, the sacrifice of love. Jesus, the one who brings wholeness and wellness and fills our hearts and minds. Jesus, who died, so I might live.
Every day Christ comes. We accept salvation at a pivotal moment perhaps, and it becomes "the" moment in our minds when we became saved, when we became Christian. Mine is June 26th. But faith is an every day affair. Somehow, you are required each day to continue to live with faith and trust. Every day you must accept the salvation. Christ comes every day to save you and me.
This moment, this day, I accept the salvation of Christ. I receive the love of Christ in my heart, and remember my baptism that signified a change in me, signified a cleansed heart. Today I renew a life lived for Christ, a life lived following Jesus.
And I am grateful for this joy, this gift. The salvation of my soul from Hell. The salvation of my soul from the darkness that pervades us, surrounding us.
The gift of God for the people of God. Thanks be to God.


Father of grace, You’ve sacrificed
Your only Son for us, the crucified Jesus
Enlarge our hearts to love Your Son
O grant to us the grace to walk with Him always
To make Him our great delight 
Bringing worship with our lives 

Chorus
Only Jesus! Only Jesus! 
Give us Jesus, we cry
Only Jesus! Only Jesus!
The Pearl of greatest price

Verse 2
Spirit of grace, You’ve shed Your light
Upon our darkened eyes, unveiling Jesus Christ
Come change our hearts, conform our ways
To honor Jesus’ Name, His glory our refrain
Let His love compel our own 
As we worship at His throne

Bridge
Jesus, our great Savior,
Lord of heaven, Son of God 

Transformed

Life is such a transformative process. Its never still, always moving and changing you, if you let it. If you're living passionately and fully. And as you live, you change, transforming into a person you never thought of before. Its beautiful and mysterious, and it all fits together in a way that can't always be explained. Any attempts to define it turn into an emphatic shake of the head, and a "that's life!" comment.

Every so often I suddenly awaken to the fact that I have changed or moved on to being someone I never thought of before for myself. I take a quick look around and realize that the Katie that used to be has morphed into the Katie of today, and often its like watercolors that have bled from pastel to vibrancy, or from one color to another, becoming an interesting riot of yellows or pinks, blending into oranges or purples, fading into an entirely new shade.

Every so often I realize that the passions or interests or reactions have all changed, and I'm doing things or going places I never thought I'd see myself do or go. New paths are taken, the old ones never to return. Its interesting, to take an observer standpoint and review my life, watching myself as a movie, as it were. I wonder how the story will end, because I get to a certain point and suddenly realize there is only future left, no more history to remember. It remains to be made.

Things happen on the journey, new places open up new vistas and thoughts, and experiences introduce new ideas of possibility. And in the blink of an eye, a snapshot is made, is set into history, and things all change again.

And here we go again, into a new being, transforming again. I hope it is transforming into a better person, with lessons learned. I hope it is with wisdom and joy and depth that I change, becoming more of a well-rounded, healthy person.

 I have to let it happen though. I have to allow the changes of ideas and let go of the past long enough to embrace what comes next. To allow the pain of difference to heal into a stronger version of myself.

I have to allow Christ to change my innermost being, transform me into a new Katie, and embrace the work it takes to keep on changing, to keep on following His new paths within me. Because isn't that the ultimate goal? To become more like Him, mirroring Him as much as possible within ourselves. To follow His examples and to allow our lives to show His love?
Transformational.

Prayer For Serenity

In the middle of trouble, in the middle of uncertainty, in the middle of anxiety and pressure from all sides, there is the need to find some peace and serenity.
So I pray for it.

I have an Anglican rosary, which you can read about here. And here is a picture so you can see mine.
You hold it, your fingers following each bead with each prayer. It is good for kinesthetic learners, because it gives you something to touch. Its good for ADD pray-ers like me, because it gives you focus. And if you choose, you can do different prayers each time you use it.

Here are the prayers I am praying for Serenity:

First you start at the cross.
God take and receive my liberty, memory, my understanding and my will.

Then the first big bead.
All that I am and all that I have you have given me.

Then the second big bead.
Our father, which art in heaven, hollowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation be deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen.

Then seven small beads. Each bead is the same prayer.
God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Between every seven beads there is another big bead, making 4 sections of small beads, and 4 big beads. You pray the Lords prayer each big bead, and pray around the circle three times. So the seven small beads are prayed 84 times, and the large ones 12.

After the last round of the beads, you pray for the first large bead again. This time:
Let me live one day at a time and enjoy one moment at a time.

The second large bead is next.
Let me accept hardships as the pathway to peace, taking this world as it is, not as I would have it.

And the cross again.
Let me trust that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will.

Amen.

It takes about 20 minutes to pray this, if you keep the prayers going. But you can make it last much longer, or do the whole thing as many times as you wish. The beauty is the focused prayer, the repeating that has time to sink into your heart, and the written words that are thoughful and direct.

Disgusting Materialism

The past month or so I have been struck by materialism. And as the holiday season begins, it really causes me to notice it more and more. The materialism is just sickening to me.

I used to be just like the next one, and had lists of things I wanted for Christmas, or went shopping and wanted the things I saw. I was never brand loyal or interested in the latest technology or newest versions of things, but there was always something else I needed to be happy or live better.

Perhaps its because I spent the summer in an area of the world where they live with a much lower standard of living. Seeing people live joyously on so little puts things into perspective. Watching someone take crusts and leftovers off people's plates in a restaurant suddenly makes you want to clean your plate at home. Meeting little children who are hungry suddenly makes black Friday shopping seem much less...necessary.

Why do we do this? What does all the stuff even mean? Does it really make you happy to know that you have the latest $600 phone? Is it really a necessity? Does it really make you feel better about yourself to buy loads of new, shiny things? Things are meaningless. Things will go out of style, get broken or look less shiny. Things have a way of fading away, and then you can't remember what you even owned or had.

It all just makes me so disappointed to see people spending so much money and time on what lasts for moments or is quickly forgotten. We have things so backwards, and no one seems to realize, but rush on to the next item, or stand in line at the next sale to get the item that will make them happier or look better. And no one knows why, it seems. The money we spend on things for ourselves or our children...a fraction of that is someone else's daily living. And what are we spending it on?

The materialism is a problem when it grows so out of proportion with everything else, that it overshadows what is really important. How do you put into perspective what is necessary vs. what is superfluous?

I keep thinking of the line, "you can't take it with you." and I wonder, what happens to all the time spent on these things, when we die? What about all the money we've wasted? How is that accounted for when we're dead? What good did we do Steve Jobs by buying the newest version of the same product over and over again? What good did we do ourselves? And in the end, what did it all matter, really.

And then I think of the millions of people who just barely survive, much less worry about whether they have the things we deem necessary in our culture. Cable tv and internet on our cellphones. Some don't even have heated houses, or sufficient clothing. Not to mention decent food or water.

I'm generally feeling disgusted by it all, and especially this Christmas season. In the rush of buying, the flurry of making lists for Santa, I just want to sit back and say, so what? Where's it getting us, who is it helping, and who are we harming with all this STUFF. Stuff that will burn away and can disappear in moments. And leave us with....what becomes the essentials. Things like relationships, like character, like intangibles that will never be burned away or stolen. And this season to remember and celebrate Jesus' beginnings...I'm not sure the Jesus I know would be thrilled by what its turned into. Worshipful gratefulness for the gift of salvation, for what He ultimately came to do...by buying?

I find materialism disgusting. Things don't impress me. Let me see your passion, your life, your inner self. Those things will always be there, no matter what. I don't want to live with all this stuff. I don't want to be defined by it, I don't want my money wasted on it. I know we need certain things to live, but all those extras...what if we went without and gave the money to someone else?

I grew up during an extremely hard time in our family. We had many nice, new things, but compared to everyone else around us, we had nothing. I remember Christmas' with a new toy. A present from my parents. And it did a world of good for me. I never regret growing up with less than my friends. It gave me so much to be grateful for. It gave me so much awareness of what is really necessary to happiness. And it wasn't heaps of things.

Oh Jesus! Help us see that Your love is the ultimate important, necessary thing! Help us to put into perspective the things that attract us so, help us to use the gifts you have given us to show your love to others instead of selfishly thinking of ourselves. Forgive us for losing ourselves in things. With all my heart, I pray. Amen.
 

To Run Without Stumbling

Almighty and merciful God, it is only by your gift that your faithful people offer you true and laudable service: Grant that we may run without stumbling to obtain your heavenly promises; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen. (BCP)

To run without stumbling.  How may we run without stumbling? How may we focus on the path and on the goal and manage to still run, full speed ahead and not stumble?
How may we run to obtain the heavenly promises? 

To run without stumbling has been in my mind all day. Between the everyday things I have been doing, and the conversations I've had, between eating, showering, sitting and staring at my computer, the phrase has been in the background, and my mind has been wondering and thinking about it. 

To run without stumbling. Oh how I want to run without stumbling. To run, muscles working, breath fast and bursting my lungs. To run, feet hitting pavement with a firm and steady slap, steady and eating up miles. Running towards the heavenly promises. To run the rocky terrain, never missing a step, never stumbling, never falling. Racing for the prize. 

Almighty and merciful God, grant that we may run without stumbling to obtain your heavenly promises.

Putting In Notice

Where do I go to resign from my life?
Oh. I don't get to do that.

STRESS is the main focus of my life right now. And I am too honest to say that the main focus is Jesus or God or my relationship with the Lord. Nope folks, it would be saintly to say so, and saintly to act so, but I will just face the facts of things and admit in a very humble way that actually, all I am thinking about is things that make me feel stressed and when I am not thinking about that, I am thinking of how stressed I am. To recap: I want to resign.
Oh. I don't get to do that.

Lets see, first off is TW. TW is a great big and looming event known to all others as THE WEDDING. No, its not my wedding. At least I'd have a honeymoon to look forward to if it was. But nonetheless TW up until this week was causing a deal of dismay and stress due to an attempt to plan and execute a beautiful, memorable, simple and very inexpensive occasion. Weddings in the newest form of the word are rarely simple or inexpensive. I have a secret plan to elope when it is my turn to marry.

Next is school. I have been working on school for a year. A YEAR. I wanted to graduate at the year and three months mark with a bachelors degree in communications. I then proceeded to take six months off for something known as LIFE and now I am somewhat disappointed that I won't actually graduate until six months later than intended. Oh well. I wouldn't trade the time off doing things I love. Needless to say, I want to finish quickly so I can go back to doing what I love. But this thing called LIFE keeps taking up my time and making it hard to study! Its really putting a crimp in my style, ya'll. Such a drag to read about microeconomics when I could be helping someone manage their life better with a microeconomical loan someplace like, say, Bolivia. But there has to be first things first, and unfortunately, life experience is not the only credential one must have to succeed.

Then there is work. I work at a lovely place and am paid a reasonable amount to do so. I have a million and one things that should have been done yesterday, and a million and one details to remember for tomorrow. But even with a reasonable amount paid to do so, the ole purse is nearly flat, it is so empty. Working through school is a brilliant idea, and I hate debt, but it sure makes life a little difficult to balance when deciding between math and an essential like paying a bill. And cars have an insatiable appetite for gas. It probably doesn't help that I have an insatiable appetite for traveling.

And then there's quite a list of things I should do, or want to do, but require money or time to do, both of which are becoming more and more difficult to find or part with.

And we haven't broached several subjects not worthy for blog consumption but which cause stress in one form or another.

Makes you want to scream, doesn't it? Why doesn't this Katie girl just get a handle on things and calm down and put it into perspective? I'll whisper a secret to you...

Writing this is a step toward calming down and putting it into perspective. Nothing like seeing in black and white your minute and insignificant stresses to help you think of how small the hill you're climbing really is. Mountains they seem on gray rainy days, or when tossing and turning at night. But write them all down and then remember people and places where these things are definitely "first world pains" and suddenly, they all look like anthills.


O Lord, Grant your Spirit to calm and remind of things more worthy of thought and time than these small things. Inspire gratefulness of the bounty and blessings, and give strength to endure the seemingly impossible moments. For the grace of your Only Son Jesus Christ, Amen

I Forgive

I forgive.

Two simple words that cover a mountain and a valley and a world of wrestling and aching before arriving at the moment of clarity.

I forgive.

I will not forget the journey that caused or the journey that it took to arrive at those words. I will not forget them, but I will forgive them.

I forgive.

I will rise above the small, petty, childishness of holding a hurt in my heart. I will release it and forgive it and not keep it smoldering. It is gone because I forgive.

I forgive.

I will forgive and move forward, free and clear. I forgive and become free and whole in the forgiving.

I forgive.

Because of love, I forgive.

I forgive.

I forgive and find forgiveness.

My forgiveness really is such a small thing.

My King, my Christ, faced so much more hurt than I even begin to imagine, to forgive me. Not only the physical pain of the cross, and crucifixion, but also the mental, emotional, and spiritual pain and dying that took place in order that I might live. My mistakes and words and actions were forgiven. Forgiven and paid for that I might become free and whole. Free and whole in order to have a relationship with God and find the secret to eternal life.

I forgive. Because I have been forgiven.

Steel Determination

Steel determination.

The words echo in my mind. Steel determination to do the right thing, no matter what. A determination that has the strength of steel, the strength of tough resolution. The nerve to carry through, the fortitude to withstand the fiercest conflict. A steel determination that cannot be manipulated or broken or softened.

Steel determination to make it to the end. This is what is needed today, tomorrow, and every day we are faced with seemingly impossible situations or ideas or conflicts. We must carry the determination to do the right thing, to never lose sight of the bigger picture, to continue the fight to the win.

Determination is when you grit your teeth and keep on even when it takes all your strength and more. It's when the pain burns and yet you keep on going. It's when the blood starts to pool and yet you keep on fighting. Determination is making a decision and sticking to it.

The picture in my mind is when I grit my teeth, take a deep breath and push as hard as I can until the object is achieved.

Somewhere within us we can find that steel determination to accomplish with integrity what is before us. Somewhere within us God gives us the strength that would otherwise be impossible, and the fortitude to carry it out. If it is right, if it is good, if it is just and if it is noble, there is a way to accomplish, to win, to triumph.

Steel determination is what is needed. Strength. Resolve.

Strong words that mean nothing without action. And action is only wanting the steel determination to make it through.

Focus On The Goal

Focus on the goal. Straight ahead, there is the goal. Focus on it.

Focus on the goal. Even when the way ahead is blindingly hard, focus. Think above the pain of the going, think above the here and now. Focus on the goal.

Focus on the goal. Do not lose sight in the way when other things come into view. Think of where you are going and do not let it out of your mind. Focus.

Focus on the goal. The goal was predetermined. The goal is the higher good. Do not faint when it is hard to reach.

Focus on the goal. Focus on the strength and the endurance to make it to the goal. The strength and endurance is inside. Focus.

Focus on the goal. Work toward the goal. Race toward the goal. Make it to the goal. Focus on the goal.

Eucharist

Eucharist

Communion. The Great Thanksgiving.

For what?

Crusty brown bread. Sweet, fermented wine.

Celebrating a death and a resurrected life. Celebrating a death with a death, like this:

Bread, the body of Christ. Broken for me, for you.

Bread, yeasty and tasting of wheat.

Wheat which was ground up. Sifted.

Wheat from a berry thrown on hard, cold ground and left to die. Wheat lying silent and alone. Seeds die in order to live.
Wheat in us that brings life and wholeness and nourishment to our bodies and lives.

Christ in us. The bread represents Christ. It somehow becomes Christ in us. The bread of life. Life to body and soul.

Wine, the blood of Christ. Spilled, crushed, for me, for you.
Grapes. Ripe and purple and juicy.

Crushed. Crushed by the weight of a thousand pounds of stone, crushing out the life.

A thousand sins crushing out the life. Left to ferment in the dark. And why?

And every time we eat bread, and drink wine we remember.
Bread, an everyday necessity.

Wine, the most common drink of all.
Remember. Remember every day. Remember when you taste it. Remember when you eat.

Remember and give thanks.

Eucharist. Thanksgiving.

The Great Thanksgiving.

Give thanks for death? Give thanks for pain? Give thanks for these things? Pain that leads to a gain that is greater. Death for something that is more powerful.

Give thanks for...dying, every day?

We participate in His death by our own daily dying.

Broken

Brokenness

beautiful
jars of clay
crash
against the pavement
pieces lie
dry dust
useless

broken
beyond repair

broken
pieces
scattered
shards


broken
again


repaired?
Only through pain and suffering

repaired?
Only through endless time

repaired?
Only through
Christ

Heartbroken

From the journal...


Heartbroken because my face is turned away.
Avoiding his eyes, walking a pathway
the opposite direction.

Heartbroken because my voice is quiet.
Silence filling the riot
of emotions.

Heartbroken because I do not believe
and there is nothing to relieve
the hurt.

If I feel this heartbroken over relationships and friendships that have seemingly gone astray, then how must my Lord feel when I forsake Him? When I forget Him, or fail to think of His part in my life?
How forsaken and hurt must He feel when I look for my fulfillment in other ways, with other things, idols that take up the room in my heart that should be His?
If I feel heartbroken over wrongs and hurts that really amount to nothing at all, how much more must He feel when I fail Him and hurt Him by hurting others?
If I feel heartbroken because I feel so much goodwill for someone who will not return it, how much more must He feel when He's the one that made me, and He's looking for my recognition and returning love?
If I feel heartbroken with disappointment because someone else fails me, how much more must He feel when I disappoint Him?

Heartbroken?
How much more so is my Lord.

The Beauty of Pain

Pain, deep and abiding. It feels ugly, because it is not pleasant. It cuts deeply, it is ever present. And yet there is beauty in pain.
Pain, the dull ache of reality that will not fade. It numbs and blurs, like a thick fog.
Pain, changing and teaching. We change because of fear of it, because of experience that is taught by it.

The beauty of pain is that it changes us. The deepest pain in my life journey has taught me the most lasting lessons. Lessons I can never forget. Even today, it shapes and colors who I am and how I think and how I react.

The beauty of pain is that it instructs us. When hurting most, it's a constant reminder of the lesson to be learned. It sears it into our minds and hearts in ways that nothing else can.

Who can describe pain? There are so many ways to feel it. Sharp stabbing pain. Dull ache, deep and strong. Throbbing pain. Gut wrenching pain. Blinding pain.

Ah yes, there is beauty in pain but you must look for it. There is beauty in pain but you must appreciate it. There is beauty in pain but you must find it.

There is a small child who feels pain from discipline it needs to learn to obey. The pain changes the child.
After touching something hot, one learns to be wary. The pain changes us.
One who knows the feeling of pain learns to touch gently those who are hurting. The pain changes us.

The pain has already changed me. And will continue to do so until it is healed. Even then, the change will be there, a constant reminder of the pain even after it has faded.

Only I can control how it changes me.

I could become fearful and avoid anything similar to the cause of the pain.
I could become bitter and resent anything similar to the cause of the pain.
I could become hard and unforgiving of anything similar to the cause of the pain.

Or I can let the pain cleanse, and teach and instruct toward higher and better things. I can learn lessons, and change to accommodate what I am learning. I can become softer and kinder because I know how it feels to hurt. I can become thoughtful and wiser because I know what causes the hurt.

The beauty of pain deep within.

Somehow, when the pain hurts the most and when I'm crying out for mercy, the voice of Christ reminds me of His pain. When the pain is overwhelming, somehow I am reminded of His love. Its tempting to think that no one else has experienced the pain, but then the image of Christ and His suffering is flashed across my mind. Christ, the one who came to heal pain. Christ, the one who touches our lives and makes it whole. My pain is pitifully small in comparison. My pain is nothing.

O merciful Father, who hast taught us in thy holy Word that thou dost not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men: Look with pity upon the sorrows of thy servant from whom our prayers are offered. Remember him, O Lord, in mercy, nourish his soul with patience, comfort him with a sense of thy goodness, lift up thy countenance upon him, and give him peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Prayer

Deeply searching.
Constantly questioning.
Navigating silence.
That really isn't silence.
Answers come if you listen.
Ear trained to hear.
Heart trained to obey.
Quietly waiting.
Prayer.

When the poor and needy seek water,
and there is none,
and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
I will open rivers on the bare heights,
and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
and the dry land springs of water.
I will put in the wilderness of cedar,
the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
the plane and the pine together,
that they may see and know,
may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
the Holy One of Israel has created it.
Isaiah 43

The Cross

This photo is one of my new favorites.
I took it at camp a couple of weeks ago, at a service my brother and sister were holding.
I know, you can view it again, just a little below here on another post.

Somehow I'm fascinated.

I stare at it and stare at it, contemplating the cross and thinking about the hard wood, and soaking in the meaning.

The cross of redemption.

The cross means I'm clean! The cross means I'm loved! The cross means I have life!

The cross means that Jesus died.

I stare and stare at it, trying to comprehend why Jesus would die on the cross for anyone, much less me.


There's a reason it is empty.

And that's because he died, and rose again.

I've been thinking that we each have a cross to carry. We each must die for someone, we each must die to something. Because life is found after dying.

We can never attain what Christ has done for us. But somehow, when we face a death of our own, when we carry our own cross, that is following Jesus. Somehow there is grace and strength and depth that comes with that. It makes us broader and deeper and fills us with Him. It fills us with Life.

Carrying my cross, sometimes it is so heavy. Sometimes the wood is too rough. Sometimes I feel broken, blistered, and bloody from carrying. Sometimes I think I can't take another step.
In those moments I am the strongest and I am the freshest and I am the deepest.
Because no one can carry their cross alone. The only way I can carry my cross is by constantly crying out to Jesus, by only thinking of Him, and by only looking to Him for strength.
And I've found it every time.

Lord Jesus Christ, you stretched out your arms of love on the hard wood of the cross that everyone might come within the reach of your saving embrace: so clothe us in your Spirit that we, reaching forth our hands in love, may bring those who do not know you to the knowledge and love of you; for the honor of your Name. Amen

Let Me Tell You About My Jesus

I was led through a valley, and then began to trudge up a hill. It's been rocky and steep, and every time I see a stream of sunshine, I fall and scrape my knee. But the lessons are there to learn if I look for them.

And my Lord has never forsaken me.

I want to tell others that He is there, and that He is working. I know, because I've seen it. I can prove it.

During the darkness and doubts, and struggling, Jesus has come to my side and He has given me

Mercy. On hardest days of climbing, the pain was eased.
Grace. Strength to do what I thought was impossible.
Trust. When I was lost.
Strength. To keep on, even when I was so weary.
Hope. When I couldn't see.
Peace. That can't be explained.
Happiness. When I needed relief.
Light. To follow and illuminate.

Everything I need.

God never said He'd make it easy. But He did say He'd help us during hard times. He did say He'd be with us. He promised He'd help us carry our cross.

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent word!
What more can he say than to you He hath said-
To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?

"Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand.

"When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;
For I will be with thee thy trouble to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

"The soul that on Jesus doth lean for repose,
I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake."




How Firm A Foundation, John Keith.

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