Paso A Paso

It's quiet. The silence wraps around me, friendly and warm.
I wonder how many days of silence it will take before I grow cold to it again?
It takes silence for contemplation to come.

Here I am again, after a whirlwind. After a needed break.
Here I am again, and a whole new adventure has begun. A new life has opened up suddenly, and at moments I am nearly breathless from it, at moments I am in awe. God has moved powerfully, and directed my steps anew. Prayers, deep ones, have been answered.

In January, in the midst of desperation, of heartbreak, of soul searching, I wrote down eight goals to work towards. Eight changes for positive steps, eight things that needed work. Eight goals.
Then life happened. I worked, I studied, I wrestled. For two dark months, I was in depression, I was facing darkness, and I felt like my life was going nowhere fast.

But prayers were being lifted, on my behalf. Many people were praying.

And I kept working, kept taking steps. Baby steps, one at at time. Paso a paso.

And God began to work, changing my heart. God began to give me strength, began to show me the beams of sunshine just beginning to show on the horizon.

I counted gifts, found the sunshine, and slowly it began to filter that God was there in the darkness, that He was there in the night, and that He had given light instead of darkness, and day instead of night. Slowly I felt His love again, slowly I believed His goodness again.

God is so good. All the time.

Finally, in April, I remembered that list of eight goals. I pulled them out again and looked at them and was astonished that all of them were either accomplished, or had a solid plan in place to accomplish them.

Step by step they had been met, step by step things had changed, and step by step my heart is being made whole again. Gods grace has been visibly evident. God's love has been showered down. And God's provision has been made manifest.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above ye, heavenly hosts
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

A Journey of Faith

Faith. Like a mustard seed, so tiny it is lost in the palm of your hand. And yet this is the chosen symbol from Jesus' mountain sermon. The people gathered there looked around them on that rocky hill and understood, for all around them were the mustard plants. It was imagery that was fresh, that used pieces of their reality. It was imagery that symbolized that a small insignificant seed could produce a tree, a miracle to be reckoned with. A symbol of the kingdom of God.

A journey of faith can be just as doubtful as looking at that mustard seed. It can be impossible at times to look at that seed and really believe it will produce anything worthwhile. That anything will come of it.

I am in that doubting moment. I doubt that the seed of the calling God has spoken in me will really come to anything. I doubt that water will come and sun will come and nutrients will come to bring that seed to fruition. I doubt that money will come to pay for what it requires to follow Jesus. I doubt that ministry will open up, that strength to follow through will be found. I doubt that these God-given dreams which I cannot escape will become reality to be reckoned with.

But I was reminded today of the journey so far. Remembering where I've been, where I came from, the innocent and unsuspecting beginnings. The beginnings that gave no hint of what was going to happen next.

My whole life has been woven and spun with graces and mercies. With strengths and unasked for provisions to accomplish what I did not suspect I would even ever do or become. Throughout, it has been intertwined with the golden sparkles of God's love and gifts.

And yet I sit here doubting.

If I have been called to something, if a ministry or mission has been given to me, if I am made for greater things, how could I think that I was then expected to achieve it on my own? Foolish thought! But a very real and even disquieting one.

Faith, looking into the spiritual dimension to see what God says about a matter, and then doing it.
Faith, believing that somehow, someway, God will move and the impossible will be possible.
Faith, hanging on and refusing to give up, refusing to accept the second rate offering.

Faith is stepping out, even with no idea of where that step will take us. Faith is not being discouraged when the rain feels late, when the knots are big, when the way is long.

Faith is a journey, I am learning. A journey towards living in peace and quietness, fearlessly trusting that God, who sends you, will also arrange for the message to be delivered. That God, who is weaving the story, who is controlling the threads, knows the pattern. That God knows when the rain and when the sun is needed.

Hebrews 11:1-3 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. 

Surpassing Power

2 Corinthians 4:7-10

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.

Afflicted,

not crushed.

Perplexed,

not driven to despair.

Persecuted,

not forsaken.

Struck down,

not destroyed.

Because the surpassing power belongs to God,

not us.

A promise we can remember,

not forgotten.

Grateful For Self-Control

I was thinking last night and this morning about how important and absolutely imperative it is to have self-control.

You know, when you control your own motions, body, language, thoughts, and feelings.

I'll be the first to say that I'm not the best at that, especially when it comes to the feelings, but I recognize the importance of self-control and strive for it every day. It seems like every day I'm thinking about something or feeling an emotion that should be controlled and re-directed.
And it is with deep deep gratitude that I'm thankful these days for the self-control that I have exercised. The self-control muscles came in handy during moments of weakness and I am so grateful that I have them! What an absolute mess I'd be in right now if I always acted on what I wanted to do or feel or think. Every whim, or strong desire would have been satisfied in the moment, but my life would have been so complicated. My natural instincts are not always the wisest or best choices. I've found that I tend toward easy things, and selfish things, and sinfulness.

Learning self-control doesn't come overnight. And it's not a process that is easy. It requires work and determination. And a knowledge of what is right and good, so you know how to direct the control. And it calls for constant practice and constant awareness. And it calls for constant calling out to Jesus for grace in those moments when its hardest to control yourself.

Just a few thoughts for a Tuesday morning.

Healing

A broken heart. I know how it feels. I know the intense pain so deep and strong. At times barely able to breathe. At times blinded, vision blurred with the force of the pain. Reeling from a roller-coaster of emotions and memories. A broken heart, a thousand pieces, and shards within causing internal bleeding.

Oh yes. A broken heart, with darkness all around. And thinking there is no hope- thinking the pain would be present forever.

And then slowly, like a cool soothing balm, God's Spirit touches that brokenness. Touches and heals, putting the pieces back together, making it whole again. God's finger, writing joy back into our hearts and lives.

It reminds me of the broken heart of Christ, when rejected at crucifixion. His was a heart broken from rejection from His Father. His was a heart broken because of the mistakes and evil things thought and acted by others. His broken heart made possible the healing of our hearts. His heart, resurrected, allows our hopes to be resurrected as well.

A broken heart can seem so impossible to put together from the many bits and pieces. But the Creator of the universe can create anew our souls. He creates a new heart from the pain, a new soul. And where the cracks were is made stronger and more unified than ever possible before. And how do we get this healing?
It's simple. We ask.
We ask and we receive.

I know of healing. I know at times it creeps along slowly. One atom at a time, one vessel at a time until a whole organ, a whole soul is revealed. I know that healing has to be asked for, and worked toward, sometimes. We ask for it, and it is simple. We allow Christ to heal us. I know that it is real.

Healing will come.
Broken hearts remade.
Broken lives restored.
Broken worlds made new.

Why? Because God heals. And that is sure. Something to hang on to during everything.

It's true. I know. Because it is happening to me.



~

Psalm 30:1-12
I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up, and did not let my foes rejoice over me.
O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me.
O Lord, you brought up my soul from Sheol, restored me to life from among those gone down to the Pit.
Sing praises to the Lord, O you his faithful ones, and give thanks to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment; his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning.
As for me, I said in my prosperity, "I shall never be moved."
By your favor, O Lord, you had established me as a strong mountain; you hid your face; I was dismayed.
To you, O Lord, I cried, and to the Lord I made supplication:
"What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the Pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear, O Lord, and be gracious to me! O Lord, be my helper!"
You have turned my mourning into dancing; you have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
so that my soul may praise you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.

2 Kings 5:1-14
The story of Naaman, asking for healing.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27
Running to win the race.

Mark 1:40-45
The leper is healed.

I Still Believe

Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
seems I don't know where to start
but it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You prepare
but it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain


I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe


The only place I can go is into Your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokenness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near


I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

I Still Believe. Jeremy Camp.

Open Wide The Door

Opening one's heart to what God wants can be such a hard thing to do.
It's scary to let go of the known and venture into the great unknown.
Who knows what might happen?

But then I consider that God is the one who made me. I think He can handle my future.

I often think I have the best idea of what that future should look like. And on top of that, I think it should be happening now, not later. So I keep a firm grasp on the door of my heart and what I have in mind and what I want and nothing will make me change my mind.
Until God whispers in my ear. I hear Him saying "trust me!" and a finger loosens its hold on the door of my heart.

I want something more than anything else on earth. I want it so much that I think about it all the time. The thought is there when I go to sleep, and when I wake. During the day it pops up continually.  That something is the desire to follow Jesus and His plan. Oh I want it so much! I want to make Him pleased that I am walking His path on this journey of life. But my troublesome wishes sometimes cloud the thought, drowning out the whispers.
Sometimes I just want to shout, saying, "Jesus! Take me!" and run as fast as I can toward what He wants.

But the door of my heart is stuck, sometimes. Locked for fear of hurt or disappointment, afraid of what might be beyond. And why? God has only proven Himself to be good, kind, and faithful. Not asking too much or more than I can do.

The door has to be flung open, welcoming God in.

Oh God, open the doors of my heart. Unlock the fears and help me to give my heart into Your hands. Take me and my life and use it as You wish. Show me Your path and let me walk in Your ways. Through Jesus Christ my Lord, Amen.

Quiet Happiness

I love the feeling of peace. I love the quiet happiness that settles into my heart and life. It's the moments of joy and knowing that God is there and He's guiding and directing my life if I will just relax and let Him. It's so good to have it back after a hard time of darkness. 

It's in the moments of swinging on the porch swing in the evenings, talking to my parents.
It's in the moments of playing kickball in the backyard and laughing at ourselves because we can't throw worth a darn.
It's just as I'm falling asleep and smiling to myself because I know. I know. I know. that He is there. He hasn't forsaken me. He hasn't forgotten me. He has a plan for this journey of life.
Quiet happiness. 

If there's one lesson I am learning on this hill, it's that God always leads us. And always guides us. And He won't let us make mistakes or miss-step. But we have to trust Him, and allow Him to lead. We have to learn to follow.

It reminds me of dancing. As a girl, I have to follow the lead of my partner. He's the one who decides where we go on the dance floor, and what moves we'll be making. He guides the dance. He's in charge. I just have to follow. When I follow, I think about how to follow. I have to relax and let him lead, and not try to take over. Sometimes it's hard, because I start thinking about how I anticipate the dance to go. And that's when I miss-step.

Just as I enjoy dancing with a good lead, I want to be a good follow. 

When I was little, I remember standing on my grandfather's shoes as he danced around the room with me. I remember giggling because I was dancing with my Paw-Paw. He danced. I held on. We laughed.

So in this grand dance of life, I'm the follow. God is the lead. I just need to relax, and let Him guide me. Then the dance will be smooth and beautiful.

Psalm 31:14-15

But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord:

I say, "You are my God."

My times are in Your hand.

Reality

Reality.
I was going to write a scathing blog post about reality, or rather, escaping reality. I was going to talk about how reality is where it's real, and how our life shouldn't be lived in a fantasy world.

I was going to mention all the things people use to escape reality. Things like

cell phones
Facebook
movies
constant music in private ear buds
games
and so much more.

I was going to discuss how people seem to be escaping reality more and more. It's an acceptable thing nowadays to be always in and out of what's really going on. Bored with what your friend is saying over lunch? Flip open your cell phone to check out Facebook. Tired of hearing your neighbor talk? IPods are there for you and only share what you want to hear. Family members getting on your nerves? Television is easy to focus on if you want to block everyone else out...and they're busy blocking you out with it, too!

Reality is so often hard. Reality often means dealing with painful situations, painful people, or uncomfortable things. Reality is not the fluffy clouds or happy endings of fantasy. Reality is..real. Sometimes it's real hard.

Reality is where it's at though. When you're dealing with reality, you're often in a place where you have the choice to grow, or change, or the choice to ignore what's going on and stay in the same comfortable spot.

Avoiding reality is easy. Avoiding reality allows you to slip into a dream world where everything goes your way or you can control what the outcome looks like.

I was going to write about avoiding reality and escaping reality.
And then I realized that I wanted to escape my own reality. My reality of choosing a hard path. I'd love to escape to an oasis instead of climbing this hill.

But my muscles - be it spiritual muscles or physical muscles- won't grow stronger by lying around an oasis. They'll grow stronger by climbing the hill which is my reality.

And I want to be strong. I want a strong spiritual life. I want a strong physical life. I want to really live. I want to be really present. I want to be present in God's presence. Not avoiding the reality of His goodness and His love. Not avoiding the reality of His discipline or direction. I don't want to miss out on what's going on right before me. I don't want to miss out on God.

So I won't write that scathing blog post.
Instead I'll work on climbing this hill.
Because the view...which the hill blocks...will be beautiful.
And because I'm compelled by the reality of God's presence. Who would want to escape that love?
Not me.

Road Sign

This past week I suddenly noticed some new road signs on the road I travel to and from work. Who knows, they may have been there for months...and I just never paid any attention.

But this week as I was driving along and contemplating life, I passed these signs and it suddenly struck me that these signs are so true. About driving this particular stretch of road, and about life.

Hill Blocks View. The hill is blocking the view so you don't know what is coming next or what is about to come over the hill. The sign is to warn drivers to be cautious in those areas. Don't be impatient and try to pass other drivers when you can't see what might be coming next. Don't anticipate because you can only see the hill, not the view.

I've been thinking about my life as a journey. I often imagine it as a pathway or a road that I am walking as I try to emulate Christ and follow His ways. I imagine the views I'm seeing as I think about the things going on in my life. The happy things and positive things and exciting things seem like pleasant places to me. The hard things and disappointing things seem like deserts, valleys, or hills.

And recently, I've felt like I was in a valley, or trudging up a hill. So when I saw this sign I thought, "This hill blocks my view." I can't see what's coming next. I can't anticipate where this will lead.

In this journey of life, we can't know why things happen or where things will lead. We may have a vision of where we're going, but if we're following Jesus, we can't know for sure where the journey will take us. But we follow our Savior eagerly. And when we get to the top of the hill, we can look back and see the view. And we can begin to see the whys. And be glad for the valley and the climb.

This kind of reminds me of the threads of life. The weaver weaves them together. It takes a while for the pattern to emerge, and especially if you look at the underside, it just looks like a tangle. But it ends up being a beautiful tapestry.

The hill blocks the view. For now. But it won't always. Eventually we'll be at the top and we'll see more clearly where we came from and where we're going. We'll catch a fresh vision and we'll have a fresh viewpoint as we continue our journey. We can't anticipate, or get impatient. But the excitement of seeing the view is building, and the beauty of the view, of seeing the valleys and hills and pleasant places and deserts all blending into a beautiful panorama of a life serving God will be worth it all.

And so I keep walking, keep journeying, keep following my Jesus on this aventura de la vida. Because He is worth it all. Because He is guiding me on this pathway. And I,
must only follow.

James 5:7-8

   
⁷ Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain. ⁸ You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. James 5:7-8

*Note:
When I was in Israel, I was present during the olive harvesting season. There were olives waiting to be picked everywhere. They were only waiting for the latter rain, the last rain of the season to plump them up before picking. Cool, huh?