I'm sitting here shaking from a latte caffeine and also because I'm happy that I succeeded in passing another test.
It feels so good to win! To succeed! To prove that I can do it!
I used to be passionately against testing. I hated it. Hated it. Hated it. I greatly disliked it. And I thought that I couldn't do it.
But through a series of events, it has come about that I am getting a college degree through testing. And it's easy! I can't get over how easy it is. And this is college???
(Of course, I haven't attempted math yet. We'll see how I feel then about it being easy.)
I was thinking about this the other day. I was remembering how dumb I was when I graduated from high school eons ago, and how I was determined that I couldn't succeed with college so I wasn't even going to try. I was afraid to try.
But once I stepped out and faced my fear, it dissolved. And now I'm zooming through, and feeling confident.
There's just something about facing fears.
One of my greatest fears (in addition to testing) was the fear of communicating with people when there is a language barrier of some kind.
To face that fear, I visited and worked in a Spanish speaking country. I did not speak or understand Spanish. But while there I discovered that it is possible and even fun to communicate despite language barriers. Once again proving that fear should have no place in determining what I do or don't do.
Anyway, I was excited about passing another test and thought I'd share the joy. And the latte buzz.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Prayer
Deeply searching.
Constantly questioning.
Navigating silence.
That really isn't silence.
Answers come if you listen.
Ear trained to hear.
Heart trained to obey.
Quietly waiting.
Prayer.
When the poor and needy seek water,
and there is none,
and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
I will open rivers on the bare heights,
and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
and the dry land springs of water.
I will put in the wilderness of cedar,
the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
the plane and the pine together,
that they may see and know,
may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
the Holy One of Israel has created it.
Isaiah 43
Constantly questioning.
Navigating silence.
That really isn't silence.
Answers come if you listen.
Ear trained to hear.
Heart trained to obey.
Quietly waiting.
Prayer.
When the poor and needy seek water,
and there is none,
and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
I will open rivers on the bare heights,
and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
and the dry land springs of water.
I will put in the wilderness of cedar,
the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
the plane and the pine together,
that they may see and know,
may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
the Holy One of Israel has created it.
Isaiah 43
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Inner Drive
I wish I could accurately describe the inner drive that keeps me going. The inner drive that propels me forward. The inner drive that won't let me back down, or turn from things that scare me. The inner drive that makes the impossible possible.
The name of the inner drive is
Jesus Christ.
Because I know Jesus Christ, and because I have allowed Him to live in my heart and soul, I have the desire to change and grow and become more like Christ every day. Once I accepted Him, I couldn't deny Him. Once I accepted Him, I couldn't not listen. I couldn't say no to what He was asking me to do.
Christ is in my heart and soul and He has to shine out. He has to use me to shine out. And I must let him. It's a glorious, sparkling, amazing mystery.
The Christ in me is the inner drive that keeps me going.
To do everything.
Like face my greatest fear. Last year I faced my greatest fear and it ended up changing my life. Forever!
Like give up my greatest dream. The Lord speaks, and I follow. I can give up my dreams because His are better.
Like keep on with steel determination in impossible situations. Christ drives me to keep going, to not give up, to keep loving the impossible people.
Like accept changes as they come. Change is so difficult to welcome. But Christ is ever present and unchanging.
Like travel to unknown places. Physically, and spiritually.
Like work with excellence on the task that is before me today.
I'm still not really satisfied that I've really described the feeling inside me that won't let me go. It doesn't force me to do things, but it asks and I can't deny because I love my Jesus. And I know that feeling is His Voice.
The name of the inner drive is
Jesus Christ.
Because I know Jesus Christ, and because I have allowed Him to live in my heart and soul, I have the desire to change and grow and become more like Christ every day. Once I accepted Him, I couldn't deny Him. Once I accepted Him, I couldn't not listen. I couldn't say no to what He was asking me to do.
Christ is in my heart and soul and He has to shine out. He has to use me to shine out. And I must let him. It's a glorious, sparkling, amazing mystery.
The Christ in me is the inner drive that keeps me going.
To do everything.
Like face my greatest fear. Last year I faced my greatest fear and it ended up changing my life. Forever!
Like give up my greatest dream. The Lord speaks, and I follow. I can give up my dreams because His are better.
Like keep on with steel determination in impossible situations. Christ drives me to keep going, to not give up, to keep loving the impossible people.
Like accept changes as they come. Change is so difficult to welcome. But Christ is ever present and unchanging.
Like travel to unknown places. Physically, and spiritually.
Like work with excellence on the task that is before me today.
I'm still not really satisfied that I've really described the feeling inside me that won't let me go. It doesn't force me to do things, but it asks and I can't deny because I love my Jesus. And I know that feeling is His Voice.
My Blog
Life has been a crazy rush lately.
But in between work and study, trips and appointments, I have had one or two thoughts I wanted to blog to remember later.
And so I shall blog.
But first, another little item on blogging.
I used to spend Sunday afternoons napping and resting in my room, with a big purple notebook handy. It was the day for journaling and thinking about the past week reflecting on life. It was a quiet time with me and my Lord, taking moments to be quiet and listen.
Nowadays, my blog has become that purple notebook of sorts. In the afternoons I like to write and blog. Sometimes it's reflecting the week, sometimes it's just thoughts that I've been mulling over.
But I'm not sure how I feel these days about blogging vs journaling. My journal is paper, with ink and the reality of handwriting. You can feel it, and experience it. There's something to turning the pages and hearing the crinkle.
My blog is like an open book on a screen. It feels private because it's so quiet around here. But all you have is a mouse in your hand as you scroll down the page. A typo is more irritating because it lacks the character of handwriting. And any readers that happen along would never recognize my handwriting.
So I'm mulling over my blog a bit, and whether I like the blogging vs journaling. Maybe I'll go back to my journal. Maybe I'll keep up my blog. Either way, I like having the record of thoughts and feelings hidden and unhidden. I like to go back and read through the last year and think about what has happened in my life.
Either way, I write.
And now on to more blogging.
But in between work and study, trips and appointments, I have had one or two thoughts I wanted to blog to remember later.
And so I shall blog.
But first, another little item on blogging.
I used to spend Sunday afternoons napping and resting in my room, with a big purple notebook handy. It was the day for journaling and thinking about the past week reflecting on life. It was a quiet time with me and my Lord, taking moments to be quiet and listen.
Nowadays, my blog has become that purple notebook of sorts. In the afternoons I like to write and blog. Sometimes it's reflecting the week, sometimes it's just thoughts that I've been mulling over.
But I'm not sure how I feel these days about blogging vs journaling. My journal is paper, with ink and the reality of handwriting. You can feel it, and experience it. There's something to turning the pages and hearing the crinkle.
My blog is like an open book on a screen. It feels private because it's so quiet around here. But all you have is a mouse in your hand as you scroll down the page. A typo is more irritating because it lacks the character of handwriting. And any readers that happen along would never recognize my handwriting.
So I'm mulling over my blog a bit, and whether I like the blogging vs journaling. Maybe I'll go back to my journal. Maybe I'll keep up my blog. Either way, I like having the record of thoughts and feelings hidden and unhidden. I like to go back and read through the last year and think about what has happened in my life.
Either way, I write.
And now on to more blogging.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Round Window
My brain is fuzzy. I've been studying for the daily requirement of 3 hours in the afternoon.
Dantes and Shakespeare is getting all mixed up with Mona Lisa and A Clockwork Orange. So I stared out the round window beside me at the library.
Outside it is blazing hot. I think somewhere in the neighborhood of 103 F. Grass is getting crispy, and the sky is a faint blue that looks like it's pale from the heat. The leaves of the trees are droopy, and it's shimmering with the sun beating down.
And just outside my window there's a fountain. Sparkling with water that is flung high and spraying cool, fresh water, glistening in the otherwise relentless sun.
But what caught my attention was three little children, playing in the water with abandon. Their heads are thrown back, laughing as the water hits them. And then, their mom stepped in, too. A happy little family, enjoying the cool water.
I don't know why, but I enjoyed seeing them play together.
In my quiet little corner I look down on the world through the porthole of my round window. I'd be tempted to say that's how God looks down on us, but no. He is not so limited. He sees everything, not just what is bound by the window.
He knows everything, not just what is observed through the glass.
And I am glad.
God gets the big picture, but He knows the details, too.
Reminds me of this verse:
"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." 1 Cor. 13:12
Good to remember on these days when things seem to be standing still or only dimly seen and understood.
Cool, fresh water, glistening in the Sun.
Dantes and Shakespeare is getting all mixed up with Mona Lisa and A Clockwork Orange. So I stared out the round window beside me at the library.
Outside it is blazing hot. I think somewhere in the neighborhood of 103 F. Grass is getting crispy, and the sky is a faint blue that looks like it's pale from the heat. The leaves of the trees are droopy, and it's shimmering with the sun beating down.
And just outside my window there's a fountain. Sparkling with water that is flung high and spraying cool, fresh water, glistening in the otherwise relentless sun.
But what caught my attention was three little children, playing in the water with abandon. Their heads are thrown back, laughing as the water hits them. And then, their mom stepped in, too. A happy little family, enjoying the cool water.
I don't know why, but I enjoyed seeing them play together.
In my quiet little corner I look down on the world through the porthole of my round window. I'd be tempted to say that's how God looks down on us, but no. He is not so limited. He sees everything, not just what is bound by the window.
He knows everything, not just what is observed through the glass.
And I am glad.
God gets the big picture, but He knows the details, too.
Reminds me of this verse:
"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." 1 Cor. 13:12
Good to remember on these days when things seem to be standing still or only dimly seen and understood.
Cool, fresh water, glistening in the Sun.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
A Battle To Fight
I'm picturing the warrior, battle stained and tired but fiercely facing down the enemy. His hair is pushed back from his eyes. His hands grip the sword and are ready for more battle.
The sun glints off the bright shine of the armor of the enemy arrayed in front of him. They seem shiny, rested. Bright flags fly over their ranks. Shouts fill the air.
To the warrior, eyes narrowed and every muscle in his body strained and ready it might even be tempting to look back behind him to his own ranks and notice the holes in the banners, the blood stains on the armor, and the tired, lean look in every man's eye on his side. The grim silence is almost loud. There is a battle to fight.
In the heat of the battle, what must it be like to realize that these are real people you're fighting? That they are wounded, bloody and dying because of the battle. That you're the one inflicting these wounds? At that point, there must be something bigger, something larger than life that makes the battle worth while. Otherwise, why are you fighting?
Feelings would get in my way. I'd feel sorry for the others, I'd try to reach out to them and help them. Even if they were the attackers, dangerous to the happiness of those I love. I'd begin to reason with myself that as they are wounded and dying I must be wrong and should stop fighting, stop inflicting wounds that were not meant to be personal. But there is something bigger, something larger than life that makes the battle worth while.
It depends on the battle. It depends on the fight.
But feelings cannot be thought of in the heat of battle. You must fight with principles.
It's the principle of the thing that makes it right to keep fighting.
The principle of good versus evil.
The principle of light versus darkness.
The principles were thought through and believed in long before the battle with emotion and feeling began. Long before the wounds were inflicted, the principles were standing.
And in the heat of battle, the principles are still standing. They are still true. They do not change because it gets hard, because it gets messy. The principles remain.
If the principles were good and right and solid before, then they are good and right and solid still.
The warrior, eyes narrowed, hands ready for battle gazes at the enemy. The principles he is fighting for are still there, strongly calling, strongly standing. And he is ready to fight with might and main to show he truly lives what he believes. He must win for the sake of those he loves. He must win for the sake of principle. The principle which will stand solid long after the heat of battle. Long after the waves of emotion and feeling. He is called to a battle. There is a battle to fight.
And he must win.
.
The sun glints off the bright shine of the armor of the enemy arrayed in front of him. They seem shiny, rested. Bright flags fly over their ranks. Shouts fill the air.
To the warrior, eyes narrowed and every muscle in his body strained and ready it might even be tempting to look back behind him to his own ranks and notice the holes in the banners, the blood stains on the armor, and the tired, lean look in every man's eye on his side. The grim silence is almost loud. There is a battle to fight.
In the heat of the battle, what must it be like to realize that these are real people you're fighting? That they are wounded, bloody and dying because of the battle. That you're the one inflicting these wounds? At that point, there must be something bigger, something larger than life that makes the battle worth while. Otherwise, why are you fighting?
Feelings would get in my way. I'd feel sorry for the others, I'd try to reach out to them and help them. Even if they were the attackers, dangerous to the happiness of those I love. I'd begin to reason with myself that as they are wounded and dying I must be wrong and should stop fighting, stop inflicting wounds that were not meant to be personal. But there is something bigger, something larger than life that makes the battle worth while.
It depends on the battle. It depends on the fight.
But feelings cannot be thought of in the heat of battle. You must fight with principles.
It's the principle of the thing that makes it right to keep fighting.
The principle of good versus evil.
The principle of light versus darkness.
The principles were thought through and believed in long before the battle with emotion and feeling began. Long before the wounds were inflicted, the principles were standing.
And in the heat of battle, the principles are still standing. They are still true. They do not change because it gets hard, because it gets messy. The principles remain.
If the principles were good and right and solid before, then they are good and right and solid still.
The warrior, eyes narrowed, hands ready for battle gazes at the enemy. The principles he is fighting for are still there, strongly calling, strongly standing. And he is ready to fight with might and main to show he truly lives what he believes. He must win for the sake of those he loves. He must win for the sake of principle. The principle which will stand solid long after the heat of battle. Long after the waves of emotion and feeling. He is called to a battle. There is a battle to fight.
And he must win.
.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Coffee Time
Today I had coffee time with friends.
It was so lovely.
I'm learning about the importance of community, and of sharing time and food and conversation over a table. No cell phones or other electronic devices between us, just face time.
Jesus spent a lot of face time with his disciples. The disciples spent a lot of time in houses with other people, eating together and talking. And Hebrews tells us to not forsake the gathering of ourselves together. (Heb. 10:25)
I was thinking today about some conversations I've had with folks and how iron sharpens iron. We talk and we don't necessarily agree, but we discuss things and it gives me new things to think about and new ideas to examine. I have so much to learn, and discussing and talking with others helps me stay grounded and on the right track.
It's lonely off on my own. My mind can go in a billion different directions and it develops thought patterns that I get stuck in. I have an idea and my brain thinks about it in the same pattern over and over again. But when I talk to another person about it, it helps my brain develop new pathways of thinking and I'm not carried off into my own little world. The idea has to enlarge to encompass reality.
I've also realized how nice it is to have safe people - people who are healthy emotionally - and who understand some of my background and worldview to talk to and be friends with. I'm all for reaching out to people who may not look like me or think like me, but I think it's balanced to also have friends who do think alike. There's an ease of connection that can be a very good thing.
I've never been one to think that friends were the most important thing to fill up my time with. I enjoy friends, it is true. But my life doesn't center around worrying about whether I've got a lot of friends, or if I'm in the 'in' crowd. I've been happy to develop deep friendships with my family members. But I think that even with those close friendships with my siblings and parents, it has also been good to have a few friends who I trust and can talk with. Friends who are there for me, who work for the friendship as much as I.
And so I made time to have coffee with friends.
And it was so lovely.
We can laugh, and talk, and share.
And it rests me, and sharpens me, and I feel Christ's love.
And I am reminded to be grateful for Christ's friendship. A friend that will not forsake me. A friend who always understands.
And now to share that friendship with others.
Maybe during some coffee time.
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